Unfortunately, that relaxing is even harder to find when I don't have a strong faith or community behind me to "catch" my fall. Although I know I could speak with my rabbi, and he has told me repeatedly he's more than willing to be a sounding board as well as a source of wisdom...somehow I just can't find it within me to burden him with my personal troubles beyond those occasioned by conversion. This doesn't speak well of me as a person, I'm sure. I don't know if it's pride, fear of showing weakness, or fear of being rejected for being too flawed. Of course, talking about it in a forum like this makes it seem even more ridiculous that I'm afraid to open up to my rabbi about my struggles.
I suppose it's sort of a "super Jew" complex: I want to be the "perfect" convert. I want to know all the answers, I want to parrot the right responses, feel the right emotions, and be the "right" person. Because Jewish conversion is not an "I accept you" conversion, but a "will you accept me" conversion, it makes it that much more difficult to want to show vulnerability to others. Why would anyone in the Jewish community want me to be a part of it? I seem to be a needy woman who doesn't have much to give. What can I give to Klal Yisrael? I ask myself that repeatedly, and come up blank. There are more than enough learned Jews. Since my children will not be converting (at least not until they are adults and able to convert of their own free choosing), I can't offer a new line to add to the Jewish lineage. I am not coming as a counterpart to a Jewish man, I am coming alone as a woman.I hope I find myself more grounded once this deployment gets underway than I am feeling right now as it approaches.
2 comments:
Rivkah, you are as much a JewByChoice as they come. We all strive for that perfection, that seamless blending in. It's the plague of the gerim! You are not alone.
And if you need anything, come kvetch to me :)
Rivkah,
I totally get where you are coming from about not wanting to bother your rabbi; there was a time when I thought I was taking up too much of my rabbi's time just converting and coming to Hebrew and temple, etc. But your rabbi is there as not only a teacher and a guide, but also as a friend and a mentor. Most of the time they are more than willing to give up some more of their time to help out, to listen, to counsel--for many it's a big part of why they became a rabbi in the first place. I have come to regard my rabbi's advice and friendship as truly beneficial; it has been during my most difficult moments, when I have turned to him for help, that I have learned what it truly means to be a mentsch. Don't deny yourself the support system you will need once your husband deploys or in any other situation.
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