Unfortunately, that relaxing is even harder to find when I don't have a strong faith or community behind me to "catch" my fall. Although I know I could speak with my rabbi, and he has told me repeatedly he's more than willing to be a sounding board as well as a source of wisdom...somehow I just can't find it within me to burden him with my personal troubles beyond those occasioned by conversion. This doesn't speak well of me as a person, I'm sure. I don't know if it's pride, fear of showing weakness, or fear of being rejected for being too flawed. Of course, talking about it in a forum like this makes it seem even more ridiculous that I'm afraid to open up to my rabbi about my struggles.
I suppose it's sort of a "super Jew" complex: I want to be the "perfect" convert. I want to know all the answers, I want to parrot the right responses, feel the right emotions, and be the "right" person. Because Jewish conversion is not an "I accept you" conversion, but a "will you accept me" conversion, it makes it that much more difficult to want to show vulnerability to others. Why would anyone in the Jewish community want me to be a part of it? I seem to be a needy woman who doesn't have much to give. What can I give to Klal Yisrael? I ask myself that repeatedly, and come up blank. There are more than enough learned Jews. Since my children will not be converting (at least not until they are adults and able to convert of their own free choosing), I can't offer a new line to add to the Jewish lineage. I am not coming as a counterpart to a Jewish man, I am coming alone as a woman.I hope I find myself more grounded once this deployment gets underway than I am feeling right now as it approaches.
