Mental Block

Call it exhaustion, call it performance anxiety, call it fear of rejection...call it whatever you like, but the fact is that I have completely frozen on my Beit Din essay.

I was saving this till after the end of the semester, sort of a 'saving the best for last' thought because I knew that I wouldn't be searching things in books or online, footnoting or fact-checking with this essay. It would come from the heart and I already knew the answers, so how hard could it be?

Turns out, pretty darn hard. I know how I came to this point, but to sit down and put in black and white that "oh, I just kinda all of a sudden decided that Christianity was wrong and Judaism was, like, AWESOME," isn't exactly what I think the Beit Din wants to hear. It's not really how things happened, either, but it's the Cliffs Notes version. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I got to this point. Was it really the Introduction to World Religions class? After all, my professor reassured us at the beginning that he had never, in all his years of teaching religious studies, had anyone convert from their religion to another due to what they learned in class. That doesn't mean it wasn't the reason, obviously. There's always a first time (and may I just add a disclaimer, I'm actually looking forward to getting back in touch with him and letting him know that I'm his first. What can I say, it just makes me chortle with glee). Was it because my mother once upon a time was interested in Messianic Judaism/Christianity and we had intertwined Jewish and Christian motifs in our home? (By the way, I still want to find that dreidel!)

Is it because I like to be different? Is it a rebellion against everything in my life that's the norm? I'd like to hope not, since normalcy and comfort are something I'm really craving right now during this deployment.

I am so stuck. I want to be able to explain myself, but I'm not sure I fully understand in the first place.

I suppose the only thing to do is to take the bull by the horns and begin to write. I have no excuses to put it off any longer, and what's the worst that could happen? I could break a nail or have a breakthrough! I guess this means full speed ahead.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I am enjoying these Introduction to Judaism classes so much! It's a chance to discuss different basic topics. A time to ask the nagging little questions that I can never think of when I run into the rabbi at other times, and which are too small to bother with sending an email to ask. It's also a great way to exchange and compare ideas with others, as well as just sharing time with friends.

Another great feature of these Sunday afternoons is being able to find one on one time with the rabbi if I need it. Last Sunday was one of those days, although talking with him was unintentional until I realized my worries about my mother were already pouring out to his sympathetic ear. My rabbi is a very easy person to share with, although no conversation ends without being given something to think about and turn over in my mind.

What stuck with me from this conversation was his gentle questioning on how my faith journey is coming. With so much going on over the past few months, I have to admit my movement has come to a standstill. I am forever questioning myself whether I still believe converting is the right thing to do for myself, but also for my family. We have so many stressors right now that I don't feel at liberty to simply throw another one into the mix and hope the batter doesn't go flying. Thankfully, Rabbi understands and agrees with my assessment. He said something about things not progressing swiftly, and I agreed that that was not in the cards, to which he nodded. In this case, it is not the best thing to be the swiftest. Just as I read to my children, slow and steady will win the race. With a supportive group of people to cheer me on, I have no doubt that will be true.

My, My, My...

Yes, I'm from the South, as you may have gathered from my title. I do say things such as "my goodness!" and "weyll" (speakers of proper English may know that word by its proper spelling, "well." But when gusting it out as a tired exclamation, there's another syllable added). This is all appropos of nothing, but now you know.

So much has been going on in my life since I last blogged, I don't know where to begin. Without a reliable babysitter my evening service attendance has become non-existent. I'm very sad and frustrated about that, especially since it's been a year since I began attending services. It just seemed appropriate to attend on the same chag on which I started: Simchat Torah. As always, life seems to get in the way when you don't make special arrangements for priorities.

My husband has been gone two and a half of the nearly 18 months he'll be serving. My mother has taken a turn for the worse and will be moved to a nursing home as soon as her mental state is stabilized in the hospital. The dementia which has been slowly affecting her over the past several years has advanced to the stage where she doesn't recognize me or my children, and she's become very volatile and agitated. This move is probably the best thing for the entire family, as she'll be able to receive better care in a professional setting, and my father and younger brother will be able to lead semi-normal lives once again. The strain of the situation on my father is difficult to express, but I'm glad he's able to find peace in his decision.

I continue in my studies, both in school and shul. We are taking a break from our Intro to Judaism class after the High Holy Days, but I was able to meet up with a friend from class to discuss the Torah portion Noach, as well as the election, which at the time was days away. As for that, I can only say I'm glad the campaign is over; now may the work begin!

Preparations are underway for Thanksgiving and soon the winter holiday season will be upon us. I am having trouble pulling myself out of the tired funk I've fallen into. I spend too much time up late at night trying to play catch-up on all the things I probably should have had time for earlier in the day...but yet they remain unfinished. It doesn't help that a mother's work is never done--there's a constant round of laundry, especially since flu season hit us early and hard this year. My poor son has had to deal with several bouts of stomach ailments in the past couple weeks. Good thing the little guy is tough as nails. If only I were!

This has been a bit of a stream-of-consciousness post, but I just don't have a strong topic to write on right now. Must be the exhaustion you only get staying up all night rubbing backs and smoothing hair off fevered foreheads. I hope everyone else is healthy and well...time to enjoy the last few days of fall before the cold weather really hits!