Hard Questions

I think as readers we can look at this and think further on it. Before converting, we should ask ourselves, Is a Jewish life something I want for myself always, or just in this specific situation (e.g. with this particular person)? If the answer is yes to the former, then by all means proceed. But if Judaism for us is only relevant in the context of being with one person, we should reconsider. Another question might be, Do I have a warm, healthy, supportive community of which I want to be a part, so that if my spouse were to die (lo aleinu), or depart, I would want to remain a part of this community, and perhaps someday find someone else to live with me as part of this community (or one similar to it)? It’s important for us to be happy with our lives apart from where we are with a particular partner. So many people who divorce or are widowed make major changes in their lives afterwards. Maybe that’s helpful to them, or necessary in moving on from their grief, or because they’ve always wanted to do things differently and finally have the liberty and incentive to make those changes. But Judaism is not a hairstyle or a neighborhood or a career; it’s a community, and a relationship with God. I still wouldn’t judge someone who felt he or she had to make a major change even there, but it’s really sad to see someone who invested the time and all the changes she had to make in her life to bring in Judaism, then decide to abandon it.

This is an excerpt from a comment to a blog post made by Shimshonit on JBC.org. It's interesting to me, because the discussion was focused on Orthodox conversions and the opinions of Rabbi Stewart Weiss on his converts' zeal for Judaism (or lack thereof). The comments to the blog really reflected the experiences of the commenters more than the actual content of the post itself as discussion turned to women's roles within Orthodox shuls reflecting their desire to be Jewish (or not). Obviously the conversation took many twists and turns, and is impossible to fully sum up here, so I'd suggest reading the actual blog if you're interested in more.

I just found myself struck more by this paragraph from Shimshonit's response more than anything else. "Is a Jewish life something I want for myself always, or just in this specific situation?" Obviously my circumstances aren't the same as those discussed in the blog, where a woman converts because her potential marriage partner is Jewish...in fact, quite the opposite! I'm converting despite the fact that my marriage partner is NOT Jewish. But the situation still begs the question, is it just for this situation? Am I converting because of a lack of something in my life? Out of boredom? Because I'm difficult like that? Is this something I would abandon later because I grew tired of fighting my family over it, or is this something I so strongly identify with that I would never abandon it?

Shimshonit is quite right: Judaism is not a hairstyle, a neighborhood, or a career. Although Shim may have meant that in the sense that wearing ones' hair in an specific manner, living in the "right" neighborhood, or choosing a career based on Jewish background does not make one a Jew, I also read that to mean that Judaism is not a simple change that can be changed back through a new haircut, a move, or a career change. Once you join a community and form a relationship with them and more importantly with God, how can you abandon that? Right now my focus is necessarily on my relationship with God...who is He, and who am I in light of that? Once I come to a sort of comfort with what I believe about both of those things, will that change, or will it be firmly placed?

I don't face the same circumstances as a woman converting, but as Shimshonit said, I must ask myself these hard questions nonetheless.

The Five Minute Shower Challenge

If you look to the right, you'll see I've added a button titled "I'm having a Quickie." I would tell you not to blush, but I'm sure I'm more prudish than most of my (limited) readership, so I'll just explain.

As a military spouse I've found it's not good to be alone, either in real life or here in La-la-land. I'm very blessed in that I have a wonderful, close-knit group of online friends who help each other get through the hard times and celebrate the good times of being married to the military. Not only do we ooh and aah over babies and cry over deployments, we also talk about our everyday lives. One of our most recent topics of conversation has been about being "green" in whatever ways we can find. You could say we're a more crunchy-granola group than some, I suppose. Which means finding the Crunchy Domestic Goddess fit in perfectly with what we'd been discussing already, and I am more than willing to take up the challenge of a five minute shower each day. As I told the ladies, the kids don't let me get by with more than three to five minutes most days, anyway...hopefully this will be a piece of cake!

Military spouse or not, I encourage you to consider taking up this challenge...or setting one of your own, for recycling, driving less, or reusing more. Every little bit adds up and makes a difference.

The Nature of the Balancing Act

Moshe Chaim Luzzatto, also known by the Hebrew acronym RaMCHaL, wrote in Derekh Hashem (The Way of G-d) "Man is the creature created for the purpose of being drawn close to G-d. He is placed between perfection and deficiency, with the power to earn perfection. Man must earn this perfection, however, through his own free will... Man's inclinations are therefore balanced between good (Yetzer HaTov) and evil (Yetzer HaRa), and he is not compelled toward either of them. He has the power of choice and is able to choose either side knowingly and willingly..."

Source: Wikipedia

It's interesting how much my thoughts are influenced by Jewish concepts now. My husband's deployment is nearing, which leads to many stressful situations and a lot of tension in our household. Shalom beit has left the building...

As I was thinking about how I normally think and respond when faced with these situations (aside: who knew there would be a real-life reason to use the term "metacognition?"), I realized I'm starting to see a split between my first inclination to react, and my thoughts on how I should react knowing the circumstances influencing each of us. That thought led to a rumination on the nature of being, and the yetzer hatov and yetzer hara.

After laughing at myself for being so immersed in my own mind that I had stood with my hands in a sinkful of soapy dishes without washing more than two in ten minutes, I launched into more thoughts on how much my thought patterns have changed over the course of the year. It's natural for a Jewish concept of human nature to occur, rather than the usual Christian approach that I naturally jump to the negative reaction because I'm born evil and broken and obviously need saving and "washing in the blood." The Jewish approach is much more forgiving, yet also more realistic than, say, the basic tabula rasa approach.

I have to question how anyone could look at a child and say that the in-born selfishness they exhibit at a year old consigns them to hellfire. Are they influenced by a bent which puts others behind self, of course! This is why the idea of yetzer hatov developing later (and around the time that developmental psychology says judgement and higher thinking are developing) makes so much sense and is so much more acceptable to my mind. Of course, I realize my mind isn't enough to base a belief system on (wouldn't it be nice if I were on that level of function!), but in order for me to accept a belief system as my own and to live my life accordingly, I have to find it compelling and reasonable. As with a scientific hypothesis and theory, when evidence leans more to one hypothesis than another, we accept the one that best explains the evidence...we don't twist the evidence to match our firm thoughts.

My husband would tell me I'm missing the entire point of faith and belief. Perhaps he's right. But if all I had was blind faith, what would keep me elbow-high in dishes?

Mandi's Big Give

This isn't a specifically "Jewish" post, but since I know there are other Etsy shoppers out there, I thought I'd share another link.

My friend Mandi is a former soldier who was dual-military until she found out she and her husband were expecting. Now her husband is also out of the military, and they are a hard-working couple: both in school with two adorable boys in tow. Mandi is an amazing mom who is the consummate juggler. She's a nursing student by day, an artsy-craftsy home-business woman in the evening, and a blogger whenever she finds time to fit it in (and you'd have to ask her when exactly that happens, because I've never been able to figure it out!)

Since the family is moving soon, Mandi is trying to move some of her Etsy products and gain some extra name-recognition at the same time: She's having a blow-out giveaway on her Etsy blog. Please visit her Esty storefront along with her blog, and see all the adorable children's and women's clothing and items she has available. You couldn't find a better woman to work with for custom items, nor a more worthy family to support with your dollars.

Love ya, Mandi, good luck with the move!

A slice of Guilt

I visited my mother in the hospital this morning. She has several ailments right now, but thankfully she was in good spirits. I think seeing her grandchildren and getting lots of hugs helped brighten her day immensely, and my father's, too.

I love my parents. They are such a strong couple, dealing with so many illnesses and deaths in our family, my brother's deployment to Afghanistan last year, my husband's deployment coming up, my mother's illnesses which never seem to have answers...

People often joke about the Jewish "corner on the market" for guilt. Well, honey, cut me a big slice of that pie, because when I tell my parents I'm converting I will have guilt like nobody's business! I'm already feeling guilty just considering breaking the news to them, along with the guilt of not telling them all this time.

I ask myself, how can I bear to break my father's heart? Doesn't my mother have enough to bear right now? Honestly, I wonder don't I have enough to bear right now without throwing a conversion to Judaism into the mix. I've been feeling a stronger and stronger desire to tell my parents, though. I suppose once I reach that boiling point, I'll have found a way to tell them without making them feel at fault for my choosing this path, which is probably the part which worries me the most.

"Dear Mom and Dad: I love you. I'm becoming Jewish."

Isn't it great?