Don't forget to check out Haveil Havalim!

I never seem to remember to post this, but I do enjoy reading Haveil Havalim from time to time (when I find a spare few minutes)...

This week HH is over at Ima on the Bima's blog.

If you haven't heard of HH before, here's the quick explanation:

Founded by Soccer Dad, Haveil Havalim is a carnival of Jewish blogs -- a weekly collection of Jewish & Israeli blog highlights, tidbits and points of interest collected from blogs all around the world. It's hosted by different bloggers each week and coordinated by Jack. The term 'Haveil Havalim,' which means "Vanity of Vanities," is from Qoheleth, (Ecclesiastes) which was written by King Solomon. King Solomon built the Holy Temple in Jerusalem and later on got all bogged down in materialism and other 'excesses' and realized that it was nothing but 'hevel,' or in English, 'vanity.'

Enjoy!

To Rebbetzyn

I was going to address my thoughts in a comment, but I think this will be long enough it deserves a post of its own.

Duram8r:

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my blog and to try to clear up my possible misunderstanding of your position.

Perhaps I'm missing your point, but the only link I find between your views and the Christian views which I referenced is that both show an intolerance for the beliefs of others. Although there are antisemitic Christians, Christianity itself is not antisemitic. Nor do I find Reform or Conservative Judaism to be antisemitic. Choosing not to affiliate with Orthodox Judaism is not inherently antisemitic, it is simply a difference of opinion. I'm sorry that you seem to view it otherwise.

I'm not sure what you mean by Christians "claiming to be Jews and being threatened by and hating authentic Judaism"...I assume you are referring to the Christian claim that they have replaced the Jews as the "Chosen people," which I have to admit seems to me to be a usurpation, along with the Christian claim on the "Old Testament." However, I can assure you that most Christians do not even give thought to authentic Judaism, much less take the time to feel threatened by it or even less, to hate it. I'm sorry that your experience has led you to feel otherwise or to feel the need to lash out at such believers.

I agree with you that my soul-searching will ultimately lead to my acceptance of Judaism or my choosing to live under the Noachide commandments. As much of a struggle as my search has caused me thus far, believe me I don't choose the "easy" path. I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean by "the lek lekah that must be done on some level." My only knowledge of Lekh Lekhah is as the Torah portion, and I'm not sure how you apply that to this discussion. I'd be happy to hear more if you're willing to explain it.

As far as your reference to loss of soul, I went back to your original post and read this along with the portion I quoted, which make more sense together:

I feel deeply saddened that the midah kneged midah of every
self -hating / self- ignorant Jew
that gets sucked into xanity produces an equal and opposite effect is inflicted on Non-Jews
they have secular/Self hating Jews con them into false conversions.

By this I assume you believe that G-d is taking souls, measure for measure? For every Jew who becomes a Christian, a Christian/gentile becomes conned into a false Jewish conversion which does not bequeath them a Jewish soul? It's an interesting way of looking at things, but if G-d were working measure for measure, wouldn't He want to give a Jewish soul to those former gentiles in order to fill the place vacated by a Jew converting? Or do you mean that the "self-hating Jews" who are not Orthodox purposely make false conversions in order to strike back against those who converted their fellow "self-hating, self-ignorant" Jews to Christianity?

I will be the first to admit that I have a great deal to learn, and I certainly don't understand everything I come across. Thank you again for making the effort to help me see your perspective on this.

Cold Chill on a Hot Day

It's not easy to have a cold chill pass over your body on a 90 degree day, but sometimes there are things that can accomplish that and then some. Reading a past comment to a post over on JBC.org managed to cause me a cold chill and a momentary feeling of despair just now.

The post was titled Three Inspiring Gerim: Rabbi Asher Wade, Gavriel Sanders, and Yisrael Campbell, and described the conversion experiences of these three Orthodox Jews. It was not the original post, but a response to it by none other than Gavriel Sanders himself which affected me so much:

I hold one simple metric for defining a Jew: will this person have Jewish grandchildren? Maintaining the living links in the chain of Jewish perpetuity is what matters. The Torah provides profound guidance for insuring the Jewish future. "Atem had’vekim ba’Hashem Elokeychem - chaim kulchem hayom." - You who cling to Hashem your G-d are all alive this day."

I can't answer his metric. Will I have Jewish grandchildren? If my family has anything to do with it, probably not. This is something which has bothered me from the time I started to consider conversion, and it continues to bother me...can I be Jewish if I'm unable to bring my children along? Is there a point in becoming Jewish if I can't be "fully Jewish" by having a Jewish marriage and a Jewish home? According to Sanders, apparently no.

A further comment by a poster known only as "Rebbetzyn" included this even more circumscribed thought:

There is a commenton a film that can be ordered from J.E.M.S/KEHOT by the Lubavitcher Rebbe where he talks
about how any movement that is Non-Orthodox dupes the convert
as they cannot effect a conversion his words are ” they do
NOT get a Jewish soul and they lose the one they have”
The explanation is as I understand it their “Beis Din” cannot affect the descent of a Jewish soul through their auspices.
and that because / if they themselves are halachically Jewish the fact that they are Jews means that they have enough spiritual power to do the opposite of good to the unsuspecting person…what is affected is a loss with no gain…..Ithink that it would
be in the best case scenario the seven noachide laws by default.

[sic]

It comes as no surprise that an Orthodox Jew (I assume, judging by the stance this poster takes) believes that one cannot be a Jew through conversion under auspices other than the Orthodox. It is still a bit of a blow, especially when combined with a supposed quote from the Rebbe that not only would such a convert lack a Jewish soul, but would also lose the gentile one which they had. I don't know if it's superstitious of me to be affected so much by that thought, but I am. Although I am not an Orthodox Jew, I still have respect for the Rebbe as a great and wise leader.

Do I really believe that by converting under Reform auspices I'll lose my soul? No. Surely it isn't the specific religion, but the clinging to G-d which is most important to one's soul? I must admit this may be my own wishful thinking, but there it is. Does one actually lose a soul in any conversion? Is that possible? I don't think so. I also don't think a Jewish soul can be created where one doesn't already exist. A heightened understanding, sympathy, tolerance, openness, those may be created in someone through knowledge and experience. Only G-d places souls, and only He knows which soul he placed in each person.

Yes, Sanders and "Rebbetzyn" rattled my nerves a bit this afternoon by touching on an already sore spot. However, if I don't allow misguided Christians calling down hellfire on me to rattle me, how can I allow a nameless poster and a Jewish strict constructionist to do the same? Only G-d and I know the state of my own soul, and that is enough for me.

Speaking of my not-kosher kitchen...

Interesting topic I found in Conversations in Klal.

It makes me feel a bit better that I'm not trying to keep a strictly kosher kitchen. ;)

Is Reform Kashrut an Oxymoron?

My husband and I were having a discussion a couple days ago about Judaism in general, but specifically my efforts toward keeping kosher. I am converting under the auspices of Reform Judaism, mainly because that's the affiliation of our local synagogue (much like Yair, I live far out in the Diaspora), but also because I doubt any other branch would be willing to convert a married woman whose husband is firmly against her conversion and whose children will be raised in an interfaith fashion, rather than as Jews.

There was an interesting discussion on kashrut over on Jews by Choice a week or so ago. I'll just share one point made by Avi, but if you're interested the entire post and comment thread is full of well thought out responses.

What I’m still curious about, is just what do reform Jews mean by keeping kosher? To my mind Kashrut is (or at least it is intended to be) something of an objective measure. Kosher is A and not B. I’m not sure how that works in a community where no such standards exist. Two Reform Jews can call themselves Jew’s who keep kosher but may mean two totally different things by it. I’m not sure that Rivkah saying that she “keeps kosher according to her evolving standards” really means anything at all other than to her as an individual. Don’t get me wrong that’s fine within the context of individual Observance but Kashrut, as I see it, depends upon accepted community standards. I’m not suggesting that everyone follows the standard but rather that it is at least accepted as the standard by which Kashrut is measured.

I guess that I’m with the Orthodox on this one Rivkah.

Anyhow bottom line is that (from my POV at any rate) it’s good to see that Reform Jews seem to be interested in working with this form of Observance.

So what do Reform Jews mean by "keeping kosher?" If halakha isn't binding on the Reform community, what is our measure for what is or is not kosher? Do we draw the line at pork and seafood? Do we keep kosher in some settings but not others? Do we not mix meat and milk?

As Avi pointed out, my efforts to keep kosher are fine on an individual basis, but don't mean anything in the context of Judaism worldwide. Something I mentioned in my response to the post was my experience last Hanukkah when I brought a homemade apple and cranberry sauce to our shul's dinner. Some people ate it, but many bypassed it. It wasn't until I paid more attention to what was offered on the buffet and what people chose for their plates that I realized what might have affected the popularity (or lack thereof) of my dish: many seemed to be keeping strict kosher. I should have realized this before, because we had a conversation about bringing dishes during our "crash" Hebrew course earlier that week. Although this congregation is affiliated Reform, because it serves a wide area as the only synagogue, many who may otherwise have chosen to be Conservative attend. Because of this, the laws of Kashrut affect all of us, Reform or not.

It was ironic that this blog post and discussion were echoed by my husband the other night. He wanted to know why I wasted my time trying to keep "kosher" when I wasn't in fact keeping kosher properly. My husband has been the victim of many one-sided discussions of the ins and outs of Judaism over the past several months, so he's aware of what keeping Kashrut entails: separate dishes for milk and meat, allowing time to elapse between eating milk and meat, looking for the approved hekhsher on packages, and the kosher slaughter of animals for meat to be acceptable. The effort it would take to make our home kosher, both physically and emotionally within our marriage, is staggering. This is a main component of why I don't keep true kosher: a freezer with bacon sitting beside non-kosher hamburger negates any effort on my part to not eat dairy with that hamburger. The same pots and pans are used for pork, other meats, and dairy, thus rendering any food cooked therein treif.

So why do I try to keep kosher in my own little way? Because as much as Reform Judaism may say halakha isn't binding, I still feel the pull that this is part and parcel of my life as a Jew. Perhaps, in different circumstances, I would be Conservative. My husband tries to understand this need of mine, but he can't. I don't blame him, because I can't explain or truly understand it either. Although it may be a failed effort on my part, I'll continue to make it. For me, it is a piece to the puzzle of walking humbly with my G-d.

Liminality

I am reading the book Generation J by Lisa Schiffman, and found a wonderful passage that describes me to a "t."

Liminality is the gray area. It's the step before transformation, a necessary uncomfortable state of being. It had fascinated me since I learned of it in graduate school. Turner called it the state of being betwixt and between, and wrote about it in reams. It's a phase of unease. Insecurity. Not-knowing. Ambivalence.

Here's an example. Say you wanted to convert to Judaism. You'd lived with this desire for years. You no longer believed in Jesus as the messiah, and you didn't celebrate Easter or take communion. You went to synagogue on Friday nights. You finally understood that gefilte fish was edible--yes, not something to fear. Walking around with a last name like McCormick--attached to the notion of Christmas, perhaps, but lighting Shabbat candles with fervor--you were just before the juncture, the opening. You needed the rabbi's blessing, which was six months away. You were on the way to becoming whatever it is you would become. In the meantime, neither Christian nor Jew, you were in a spiritual netherworld. You were liminal. Most likely, you were anxious as well.

I should have realized that in the realms of psychology there would be a term for the state I'm in right now. Liminal. I've been struggling so much with this grey area, for months now, but definitely in the last few weeks. I want so much to belong somewhere, to feel at home in my own skin, and I'm simply not there yet. I'm "betwixt and between," and it's painful. Schiffman goes on to say that in our society we've decided pain is a bad thing, and we do our utmost to avoid it, dull it, make it go away. She thinks perhaps it would be better to own it, to exist within it, and possibly embrace it.

I'm not sure that I can embrace anxiety and relentless questions, but to be able to name my state of being, to roll the word around on my tongue and in my mind...liminal. Somehow that is reassuring. Perhaps because it seems impossible to forever exist in the grey area...eventually we must all stop fence sitting and choose to slide off to one side or the other. But for now, I'm uncomfortably situated on top of that fence.

Excerpt from Generation J by Lisa Schiffman. HarperCollins, New York, 1999. pp 90-91.

Just wanted to share an Etsy find...

I love Etsy. In case you haven't discovered it yet, Etsy is a website where you can find wonderful handmade (or hand-chosen) items to buy. I've gotten several hand-screened shirts from the site, for my children and myself. The sellers I've dealt with have been wonderful, and I'm thrilled with the products I have, including a custom deployment bracelet with my husband's name on it.

Today I have made yet another find: a gorgeous hamsa necklace. I don't have the money to spare right now for an accessory purchase, but I'll definitely keep this in mind for the future.

A Smattering of My Day

There are several thoughts brewing right now, none of which seems worthy of a full post. Thus we have another smorgasbord post.

To begin, I have been on a procrastination binge of blog-reading. I find the more I click links, the deeper I fall into the rabbit hole which is the J-blogosphere. I'm sure that other religions, and non-religious folks, for that matter, blog. I'm not so sure they must have each other linked in a spiraling web that leads inexorably to the deep discussions of religious minutiae that J-blogs do. I unfailingly find myself shaking my head, wondering if any of this will ever make sense, but the more I read, the more I find myself understanding. I might also note that Wikipedia is a girl's best friend sometimes. ;) As one poster of note stated, I'm "no Maimonides."

On another note, I bought a box of matzos the other week. Of course they were not kosher l'pesach, but since we've moved well beyond that point I could breathe a sigh of relief. Interestingly, my son and I are becoming addicted to matzos. He chose them over cheese crackers a couple days ago and any parent of a toddler knows that's well nigh a miracle. It must be the salt, the crispness, the slightly burnt edges...yum!

I'm reading the book Exodus by Leon Uris. I already watched the movie starring Paul Newman as Ari Ben Canaan (and may I say, he doesn't strike me as the Ari I would have pictured by reading the novel first?). The book is a bit different from the movie, if you haven't read one and seen the other. In all honesty I prefer the book. It's more realistic in the sense that the movie forces some characters to take on roles played by several people in the book. Not only that, but the book allows for more to play out, better development of characters, and is able to push beyond the declaration of statehood into the fight to hold the land. I may have to compose another post on Israel and its creation, because it simply astounds me.

I believe I'll save my final topic for a full blown post as well. Remind me about history, Aryan guilt, and the presumptuousness of fear. I may need to think it through more fully to do it anything near justice, but I'll try.

Cultural Conversion?

I spoke with a very sweet young woman the other day. She overheard me talking about conversion, and I noticed her beautiful hamsa necklace. It turns out that her mother converted to Judaism after deciding to marry this woman's father, who is a Jew by birth. After we discussed my reasons for conversion and the difficulties holding me back (trying to maintain peace in my marriage and continuity for my children), she shared her experiences. She laughed and said, "it's really simple, just a dip in a bath and you're through!" Then she went on to ask if I would "give" my daughter a bat mitzvah, and talked about how wonderful growing up in a school whose population was approximately half Jewish, especially during her seventh grade year, when they "had bat mitzvahs every weekend, with bands and deejays and light shows...It was awesome! You should really do it for your daughter."

I suppose my quietness in the face of her excitement must have spoken to her, because she quickly added that she is only culturally Jewish, and that I shouldn't worry if I didn't want to convert religiously. She shared that the Jewish community was very accepting, and that it was a wonderful thing.

I have to admit, I'm a bit skeptical about the ability of someone to convert culturally, without any real appreciation or practice of Judaism as a religion. I've heard before that people do it, but I'm not sure how they would go about it...perhaps these people are already part of Jewish families by marriage, and so feel as though they might as well be Jewish, since they live it.

Her enthusiasm was wonderful, even though I can't agree that the purpose of a young person becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah is for a wild party. ;) I also had to control my smile when she waved her hand airily and said, "it's just a dip in the bath." Au contraire, mon amie! At least, it hasn't been that simple thus far. I don't think I would want it to be that simple, even if it could be. There is so much I want to learn and experience in order to feel I am a bona fide Jew, and a simple dip in the mikveh wouldn't have the same importance to me as feeling the weight of the knowledge of history, and the awareness of how much I don't know!

But she is a very sweet and knowledgeable person, and I enjoyed talking with her. I hope we're able to talk more in the future. I also hope to be able to live up to the last thing she told me before we parted: "If this is what you feel is the right thing, don't let anything stand in the way of doing it. It's really wonderful, being Jewish."

Despite the heartaches, the struggles, the losses, the unspeakable horrors throughout history...it's really wonderful, being Jewish. Amen.

Shabbat Shalom!

Pitifully MIA

I know it's a poor excuse, but I haven't been able to think long enough to put two sentences together for a blog lately. I'm knee-deep in reading and studying for classes, and when I'm not reading, I'm wanting to crash. Case in point: I just realized those lovely kosher hot dogs I put on the stove to heat 10 minutes ago are still cold. I forgot to turn the burner on!

Not only has my mind turned to mush, I haven't been keeping up with my blog reading as I should; worse yet, I haven't been keeping up with my Judaism reading, either. I'm very disappointed not to have free time to read, but I suppose it's the price I pay for a condensed class schedule.

On that note, I think I'll sign off. The heat has the kids bickering at an elevated level, and there are those dogs to fix. But yes, I live!