Waiting for Shabbat

Growing up, my father refused to mow the grass on Sunday. I can remember driving past yards where people were out tending to chores, and my father glaring and muttering under his breath about disobeying the commandment not to work on the Sabbath. Other than not doing yardwork, and of course attending church service in the morning, the Christian "Sabbath" we observed didn't have much meaning. In the last few years my father has read more into some verses in the New Testament about casting off the old ways due to being new in Christ. Now he no longer mutters about people working on the Sabbath, because they aren't Jewish, and Christians aren't bound by the commandments.

One of the first practices I adopted as an "awakening" Jew was observing Shabbat. Rather than just a day when there is a list of "nos," I've observed a day of "yeses"...Yes, I will stop and smell the roses. Yes, I will enjoy the stillness of G-d's creation. Yes, I will take time to read Jewish subjects I haven't had the time to enjoy or mull over during the week. Yes, I will allow my body the gift of rest that G-d has given me. Yes, I will welcome this day with joy and blessing, and the light of candles shining.

Of course there are "nos" as well...no, I won't rush to pick up the phone. No, I won't worry about finances even if a bill comes in the mail. No, I won't hop online to check email. No, I won't give in to tension and argumentativeness. These aren't always easy prohibitions to respect, but at the same time I feel a new appreciation for this oasis in the week when I do observe the "nos" as well as the "yeses."

Shabbat has become an oasis in my week. Friday afternoon I feel time accelerate as I rush to make ready, as if I really am welcoming a guest to my home. Even the children are beginning to understand this change that comes on Friday evenings...my daughter loves to remind her brother that it is time for "Shabbat Shalom...so keep PEACE! Stop picking on me, it's Shabbat!" She even has the spunk to remind me that I need to keep peaceful as well, when her father and I knock heads. I can't help but smile when she adds the "Omein" to our usual prayers with her little grin.

Everyone can say "TGIF"...I say "Thank you, G-d, it's Shabbat!"

Memorial Day

Today is a day of remembrance in the United States and for those citizens abroad. An online friend whose husband is stationed overseas went to visit the Luxembourg American Cemetary to pay her respects and stand in memory of those who went before in the name of a free country. These pictures were taken by her today, and I appreciate her sharing them with other military wives.

Regardless of whether we agree with the politics of war, we must remember that soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines all take oaths to support their country's Constitution, not the President, and not the Congress. Because of their oath of allegiance, they put their lives on the line for everyone, without political clout and without real monetary gain. Many serve in spite of their personal feelings and opinions. Many are serving today, missing out on picnics, on swimming, on grilling out, or on services. Others may unfortunately be witnessing first-hand the services of another generation who have sacrificed their all in the name of country.

Please take a moment to remember the fallen, and hold a respectful thought for their families and those who serve still.

Some joys, some oys...

I suppose I'll start with the joys...might as well have a smile to begin, right?

Today we were in town going to the library when my daughter asked, "Mommy, where is the synagogue?" I pointed it out to her as we drove past, and she added, "I liked going there, when can we go again?" I'm sure I was grinning from ear to ear until we reached our next destination in our errands. How great is it when your child wants to take part in something that's important to you?

Another joy, I watched the film Crossing Delancey this afternoon. During the bris the officiating rabbi/mohel recites blessings, and it was music to my ears to hear Baruch ata Adonai... I love that this is becoming "home" to me, that it's so natural to hear a blessing that I can nearly join in for the entirety.

On to the "oys"...the downside of my daughter wanting to go with me to services is that my husband has laid down the law that he will not allow "his" children to be raised Jewishly. He is adamant that he does not want me to take the kids with me to services or to allow them to engage in rituals with me at home. I also have bowed to his wishes in choosing not to continue attending services for the time being, which is very difficult for me in some ways. I miss the prayers, I miss the rituals, I miss the community I was calling my own. My marriage is also a 'covenant,' however, since I entered into it as a Christian under the auspices of the Presbyterian Church. I love my husband dearly, and I don't believe that G-d intends for this marriage to be broken. With that thought in mind, I am doing my best to maintain shalom bayit, even though it means compromising on something important to me.

The other oy from the film, to match the joy, was the thought occurring to me at the end when Sam says he recited a bracha before going to Bubbe's apartment: sigh "I wish I had a Jewish husband..."

I'm not entirely certain why my life has taken this turn, but I hope there's some purpose, or at least a positive outcome, to all this emotional Laffy-taffy I'm feeling subjected to!

With all those thoughts out of the way, I'm looking forward to Shabbat this week! I wish everyone Shabbat Shalom. :)

Jews, History, and Me

You sometimes hear about women pitting their education and career choices against their home and family choices. There's a fear of being "Mommy-tracked" instead of "fast tracked." Then on the other hand, there are those who choose "sequencing"...meaning rather than having it all, they choose to have it one at a time, or take a break while the children are little. I am one of those mothers, in a way.

I got married and had children soon after high school, since I had no idea what I would do with my life or what to study if I were to go on to college. Although I might have been able to receive scholarships, and certainly student loans, I couldn't see saddling myself with debt without purpose.

After having a child, I decided that I would begin my college career and become a teacher. It seemed like a sensible choice, since teachers are always in demand, and since I had always done childcare. I am at the point now that I'm completely unsure if I want to teach, or whether I'm in fact able to teach. Teaching is a profession which requires patience and "sticktoitiveness" which I often lack, and I would not want to bear the burden of having sucked some student's interest in learning dry because I was a horrible teacher.

However, because I'm halfway through working toward my bachelor's degree on a part-time basis (nearly 5 years now, with one year sabbatical after having a second child), I feel I should try to persevere. After all, I may well change my mind after doing observation and practicum (or it may simply solidify my belief that I can't hack it), but I'll never know till I try.

To this end, I am a history student at present. Before beginning my long journey into Judaism, I didn't notice Jews in history very much beyond the Holocaust. Jews just didn't seem to be that prevalent outside ghettos, the Black Death, pogroms, and Nazism. Now that I'm in history classes again (and I will be for some time to come: I'm majoring in history with a minor in education), I notice so much more when Judaism is mentioned...and when it is conspicuously absent. Not only that, but when Jews are mentioned, I feel my internal ears perking up...what? Me? Us? This is truly becoming my people, my history. This makes it that much harder to hear about the pogroms, the blood libels, the ghettos, the Holocaust...but at the same time, I feel more strongly than ever "Never Again!" I'm also that much prouder of Jewish history, and look forward to learning more all the time. I may even make the focus of my senior thesis something related to Jewish History. I'm looking forward to that as well!

I could use some help

I'm sure I've mentioned in past posts that I'm a military spouse. My husband is preparing for a deployment in the not-too-distant future, and I have to admit that I'm not usually the best at handling bad situations. I tend to fuss and fight it as long as possible before I finally relax and let what will be, be.

Unfortunately, that relaxing is even harder to find when I don't have a strong faith or community behind me to "catch" my fall. Although I know I could speak with my rabbi, and he has told me repeatedly he's more than willing to be a sounding board as well as a source of wisdom...somehow I just can't find it within me to burden him with my personal troubles beyond those occasioned by conversion. This doesn't speak well of me as a person, I'm sure. I don't know if it's pride, fear of showing weakness, or fear of being rejected for being too flawed. Of course, talking about it in a forum like this makes it seem even more ridiculous that I'm afraid to open up to my rabbi about my struggles.

I suppose it's sort of a "super Jew" complex: I want to be the "perfect" convert. I want to know all the answers, I want to parrot the right responses, feel the right emotions, and be the "right" person. Because Jewish conversion is not an "I accept you" conversion, but a "will you accept me" conversion, it makes it that much more difficult to want to show vulnerability to others. Why would anyone in the Jewish community want me to be a part of it? I seem to be a needy woman who doesn't have much to give. What can I give to Klal Yisrael? I ask myself that repeatedly, and come up blank. There are more than enough learned Jews. Since my children will not be converting (at least not until they are adults and able to convert of their own free choosing), I can't offer a new line to add to the Jewish lineage. I am not coming as a counterpart to a Jewish man, I am coming alone as a woman.

I hope I find myself more grounded once this deployment gets underway than I am feeling right now as it approaches.

Christianity and Judaism, Scriptural Interpretation

Look at the NT based on the OT. There are parallels that are apparent once sought and studied. Prophecies and statements in the Old Testament were made realized in the New Testament.

Of course if a newly evolving “religion” wanted to sway believers that they are the inheritors of an existing belief with over 12 centuries of collective prophetic experience, they just might do everything possible to “spin” the facts described in their newly evolving literature to appear to match the expectations hinted at in the prophetic scripture of the targeted religion.

I’ve said it many times. Christianity (and in many ways Islam as well) are offshoots of Judaism. All the content they profess to teach their believers are teachings regurgitated from Judaism. They are locked in a love/hate relationship. Love in that their message is a message borrowed from another. Hate in that they can never truly superseded the other without negating the very source of their own legitimacy.

By: Yoel Ben-Avraham on May 25, 2007
at 8:27 am
Found in a comment on this blog.

I know that with all the reading I've done, I'm sure to have picked up many ideas and thoughts along the way which I can't attribute to any one person, but which did not come about through my own reasoning. This is one of the downfalls of reading such a large amount of information all the time: it's very difficult to hang onto or sort out everything that has been digested. However, even though I can't claim to have come up with the idea stated above, I feel that it is very true.

At some point I saved the link to Yoel Ben-Avraham's blog Second Thoughts. Today I had a little extra computer time and chose to check out this blog I had favorited. Looking over some old posts, I found a link to Jeremiah Andrew's blog where Yoel Ben-Avraham had posted several responses, one of which is the one quoted above.

It only makes sense that a new religion would borrow from other established religions. As I told a friend once, I believe there is something to be learned from all religions. Religions most similar to my own upbringing are most interesting to me, probably on the basis of familiarity. Of course it is easy to study Islam without feeling particularly drawn to convert to it. There are many things about Islam which I respect but do not believe in, not the least that Muhammed was a prophet sent by G-d who apparently had all the right answers. (I know I'm simplifying a lot, forgive me.) However, Judaism, with the backbone Tanakh on which the New Testament of the Christians is based, is much more compelling. Of course both religions have evolved over the centuries since the founding of Christianity, and Judaism itself was involved in an evolution of theology and thought even before that. How can a Christian not see that in essence they have stolen another's sacred text and are twisting it to their own ends?

Of course anyone will change anything to suit their needs or their viewpoint; this is what interpretation of scriptures is all about, and is inescapable. I, for instance, read the verses against boiling a kid in its mother's milk. From this I draw the conclusion that one should not doubly insult a mother by first killing her young, and then adding insult to injury, taking her milk and using it to create a dish of her baby. Thus to me it might be understandable that a cheeseburger (since one does not know from which cow the milk for the cheese nor the meat from the hamburger came) is treif, non-kosher. On the other hand, I can't quite see why chicken parmesan would be treif. A chicken does not give milk, thus adding cheese to it is not rubbing salt in the wound. However, the rabbis deem it so, and so it is. Perhaps the rabbis felt barnyard animals hung together, I don't know.

All this to say, I felt Yoel Ben-Avraham made a compelling argument for the genesis of the give and take between a parent religion and its offspring.

Klops...YUM!

Chaviva posted a picture of the klops she made a few weeks ago. They looked so delicious I asked her to share the recipe, which she was kind enough to do. :)

I have to say, they are absolutely delicious! Even my husband thinks so. And bonus, save this recipe for next year: They are kosher l'Pesach! :)

Ready for the oven...


And coming out...






In case anyone would like it, here is the recipe:

Klops

Eastern European Sweet-and-Sour Meatballs


Meatballs
1 lb ground beef
1/4 C minced onion
1/4 C water
1/4 C matza meal or breadcrumbs
1 large egg, beaten lightly
1 tsp salt
Ground black pepper to taste

Sauce
1/2 C sugar
2 C boiling water
1 C peeled, seeded, chopped tomatoes
1/2 C chopped onion
1 tsp sour salt or 3 to 4 tbsp lemon juice
1/2 tsp salt
Ground black pepper to taste

1. To make the meatballs: Combine the meat, onion, water, matza meal/bread crumbs, egg, salt, and pepper. Moisten hands with water (to prevent sticking) and shape the meat mixture into 1-inch balls.

2. To make the sauce: Melt the sugar in a larger saucepan over low heat until light brown. Gradually stir in the water. Add the remaining sauce ingredients and simmer for 5 minutes.

3. Add the meatballs, cover, and simmer over low heat, or transfer to a casserole and bake in a 300-degree oven, for 1 1/2 hours.

Note: Sour salt is another name for citric acid crystals. They are used in some northern countries, where citrus fruits are rare, as a substitute for lemon.

I have books!

I know, it's positively ridiculous, but I am
thrilled, ecstatic, bouncing off the walls with excitement...in other words, a shipment of books from Amazon came in today. :)

I have tried to read as many Intro to Judaism books from my local library as possible, but some are just not to be found. Not surprising, considering many people in this area don't even believe there are Jews here. However, I have picked some titles which I would like to own and ordered them through the bookstore on JewsByChoice.org If you haven't found this wonderful resource for converts to Judaism, I hope you'll check them out! The articles cover a fairly wide range of Jewish and Jewish-by-choice topics, there is a forum available (which is not used often right now, I might add...please come start a conversation!), and there is this bookstore run through Amazon.com which helps support the website. Please buy from them, if you're interested in the titles they carry!

My specific shipment this morning held Rabbi Joseph Telushkin's Biblical Literacy and Daniel B. Syme's The Jewish Home. I am looking forward to reading both of these titles, and maybe you'll soon see them added to the sidebar list I have going.

Long Time Gone

If you're a Dixie Chicks fan, you'll know the title reference. All others may feel free to look it up at their leisure.

Do you ever feel that something just doesn't fit? Maybe you've started to wonder if you will ever fit anywhere. Well, as a blonde, Southern, country, formerly diehard Christian who wants to convert to Judaism, I can empathize. Sometimes Judaism seems so right for me...but that's only when I'm considering myself. Most of the time, it is feeling not-quite-right to very-wrong: not quite right in that I don't quite fit with the local synagogue crowd. Very wrong in that my husband and children are not only Gentiles, but Christians. Born-again, baptized Christians who love Jesus, love "Jesus Loves Me" to be sung to them, love to read about Jesus.

And then there's me. Confused, alone, torn in what feels like a million directions. Who is G-d? Who was/is Jesus of Nazareth, Yeshua? Who was/is/will be Moshiach? Where do I fit in all of this?

For Mother's Day we watched Gentleman's Agreement. The movie stars Gregory Peck as a writer who takes on an assignment to write about antisemitism in post-WWII America. At first he is hesitant because he feels unable to give a better treatment to the situation than had been done dozens of times over before. Then he has a light-bulb moment: he'll be Jewish for as long as it takes to get the material to write his piece. At one point he tells his Jewish boyhood friend not only is passing himself off as a Jew working, it's working a little too well. His mother's doctor reacts disapprovingly when he asks to be referred to a Jewish doctor at Mount Sinai or Beth Israel hospitals, his new fiance reacts poorly to the idea and argues over whether they should continue the charade in front of her sister and her friends, and most hurtful of all, his son is called "dirty Jew" and "kike" by the neighborhood kids and runs home crying.

Of course, the movie ends in a positive way, and I've always loved it for some reason. But seeing it now, after beginning the long journey toward Jewishness, it's as if I'm seeing it for the first time. It feels so much more hurtful when one might be the victim, versus the WASP who says, "Oh, how horrible...for you." The situation feels quite a bit different when the shoe is on the other foot, when you can't thank your lucky stars that you were born a Gentile, that your children will never go through that pain because they aren't a minority (or in the case of a convert, related to the minority). It certainly gave me pause.

I suppose I'm just feeling that even though I'm scared for what my choice may do to my family, to my children...I'm feeling that "the rest is a long time gone, and it ain't comin' back again..."

Free Rice...Play!

I was reading archived blogs (yes, I am that bored...and procrastinating as well), and found the link to Free Rice on Tamara Eden's blog. A friend had turned me onto this site because she and I are freaks of nature who enjoyed English class, and she wanted to test my vocab skills.

Well, I have skills, how about you? Test your vocab skills at the site above, and feed hungry people as well. It's free, it's entertaining, it's a learning opportunity, and it's a mitzvah! What could be better?

Who pays for the donated rice?The rice is paid for by the advertisers whose names you see on the bottom of your vocabulary screen. This is regular advertising for these companies, but it is also something more. Through their advertising at FreeRice, these companies support both learning (free vocabulary for everyone) and reducing hunger (free rice for the hungry). We commend these companies for their participation at FreeRice.

If FreeRice has the rice to give, why not give it all away right now?FreeRice is not sitting on a pile of rice―you are earning it 20 grains at a time. Here is how it works. When you play the game, advertisements appear on the bottom of your screen. The money generated by these advertisements is then used to buy the rice. So by playing, you generate the money that pays for the rice donated to hungry people.

Does FreeRice make any money from this?
No, it does not. FreeRice runs the site at no profit.

(From FreeRICE's FAQs.)

Converts and "Who is a Jew?"

Converts to Judaism will probably always face the age-old question of "who is a Jew?" There was a kerfluffle (to put it mildly) over Orthodox conversions by a certain R' Druckman in Israel recently, which only serves as a reminder that even Orthodox conversions may be questioned by certain segments of Jewish society.

Why the issues? Is being a Jew such a wonderful thing that we must worry that the whole world will want in on the action? Is being Jewish really only about bloodlines? Do converts kid themselves about their supposed spiritual presence at Sinai? (Which raises the question, do born Jews kid themselves about that same issue?)

It must be frustrating to be questioned by a rabbi about your reasons for considering conversion, to be questioned by your friends and family, to be discouraged by many of your acquaintances, and to perservere through all the reading, the studying, the acclimating, the Beit Din...only to come through the process, begin to spread your wings and for the first time feel Jewish while doing Jewishly...and have someone effectively spit in your eye by saying "You'll never BE Jewish."

I would beg to differ with someone who argues that. In fact, it seems rather unfair that a convert must work so hard, while other Jews may make the claim solely on their bloodlines, and may not ever darken the door of their local shul. Surely living the ethics, learning and knowing the history and culture, expressing one's kavanah through one's actions, surely this should be the proof that one is Jewish.

Are there not enough antisemites running around that we must have in-fighting between JBBs and JBCs? And in my book, this would go as well for the lashon hara between Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, and anyone else along the spectrum of Jewish practice. Remember the 614th commandment: Do not give Hitler any posthumous victories. Especially coming on the heels of Yom HaShoah, this should give any Jew pause...would Hitler enjoy what you're doing to another? Then don't do it!

Perhaps it's easy for me to make these statements, coming from the outside looking in as I am. But sometimes it takes the outsider to bring a glaring injustice to the family's attention. If so, so be it.

Mental Wrestling is Physically Tiring

I was speaking with my rabbi several months ago. The week before he had asked me several difficult questions about my desire to pursue Judaism, and I had been near tears while expressing my answers. The following week I walked into the Hebrew class calm and in a pleasant mood. After the lesson was through and we were packing our things to leave, he asked how I was doing. When I told him simply, "doing pretty well," he smirked (yes, my rabbi is capable of smirking, as horribly disrespectful as that sounds) and observed that I must have decided to put the mental, emotional, spiritual fight to the side and not think about it. I had to agree with him.

Choosing to stop believing and living in the way you were raised is not easy. Making a decision as to whether that is the right thing or not is even more difficult. I find myself wishing I could let go of this tug-of-war and simply be whatever it is I am meant to be. There are times when my soul cries out for relief, for peace, for G-d to step in and put me on the right path for me. How am I ever to know I am on the right path? Unlike a path through the woods, which can be lost but retraced to restore one to the original way, a life cannot be relived. Once a decision has been made, a path has been chosen, there is no turning back for a "redo" or "do-over." There is no way of knowing which spiritual path is "correct" until one reaches the end and steps over that threshold into what lies ahead. Many times I've wished nothing lay ahead...how easy to fall into a conscious-less slumber, with nothing to answer for and no one to please.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to believe. I am frightened by my own ignorance, and disempowered by confusion. Will I ever find my way out of this labyrinth I've entered, or will I wander here forever? How can I lead my children if I can't find the way myself?

I am at a loss.

Yom HaShoah -- יום השואה

Observance of Holocaust Remembrance Day began at sunset last night.

The Holocaust was such a mind-boggling occurrence, I don't know that I could ever blog anything that would do justice to those who perished or who survived it. Because of that, I won't try to blog anything at all.

For more information, please go to one of the following sites:


Hanefesh.com

Hatikvah Holocaust Education Center

Yad Vashem

United States Holocaust Memorial Museum

Hmmm...

I was riding down the road today and passed a business sign...one of those with the removeable letters that you can change to read different messages. This one read something along the lines of "I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you. John 14:18." (Of course I just googled this to make sure I was right. ;))

An interesting thing is happening inside me...I read that, and the first thing that popped into my mind was, "Well, he hasn't come yet!" I'm finding that more and more I feel divorced from my conservative Christian roots, and more and more I feel at loose ends. I'm caught betwixt and between...no longer comfortable in the faith of Christianity, not yet comfortable in the heritage of Judaism. Speaking with a friend, I said I felt as though I'm "faking it," because I'm not "really Jewish." I don't know if that's a genuine feeling, or if it's born of my husband repeating it to me so frequently in the past few months. I'm sure it's a bit of both. I want so much to tell my rabbi I'm ready for the next step, ready to begin a true track toward conversion. At the same time, I'm scared stiff. My husband said loudly in a clothing store the other day, "You can't wear that--it's not Jewish enough." In a small town, news travels fast. Not only was I shocked that he was saying something about clothing (what exactly is "Jewish" clothing anymore, anyway? It's not as if I'm considering converting Orthodox that he could say I'm not fitting a dress code!), I was also shocked that he was pointedly doing this in a public place where he was apparently hoping to be overheard. I've told him before that I'm not sure enough in my convictions (or perhaps lack thereof?) to "come out" to everyone that I'm wanting to convert to Judaism. We do live in a small town, and it is predominantly Christian. Unlike what they claim in their dogma, Christians have long memories and are not terribly forgiving, especially when it means their values and beliefs, their veracity, has been questioned. Even in "returning to the fold," if I were to do that, I would forever be a pariah in this area.

Sadly, that's the main reason I'm not "coming out" yet. Interestingly enough, every time I take part in something that reinforces my Judaism (attending the Chanukah dinner, when my daughter and I ended up as part of the broadcast on the evening news, or being seen and possibly heard discussing Judaism and Telushkin with a friend while out in town the other day, for examples), it seems to be something that draws attention to me. I'm not sure if this is meant to "shame" me into turning away, or if it's meant to encourage me to be bolder and take that next step...regardless of what others think.

Honestly, I think I'm reading too much into it. ;) I'm hoping to read through the JPS Tanakh (which I am thrilled to say I own now!), and see if that helps me see things more clearly. I would like to take the Intro to Judaism class that's coming up, but of course want to talk with my rabbi before then.

Would I be more likely to have already begun that by now, or less, if I weren't having to fight tooth and nail for every concession my dear husband has made to me thus far? I wonder...