This blog is a bit of a departure from my normal religious meanderings, but I'm not in the mood to try to unravel more threads today. Thus I'm going to blog a little boring piece about Jblogs (ie, Jewish blogs).
My darling dear is currently away for training, which leaves me with more time to myself after the children are put to bed, or while they're playing peacefully. Although I miss him dreadfully, I put this time to good use (*snicker*) by catching up on my reading. There are quite a few JBC blogs I enjoy, as well as some JBB blogs. The more I read, the more I find linked together...and I'm simply amazed! Is the blogging world so small, that everyone is inter-connected? Or perhaps it's the J-blogosphere that is small...although we should all realize by now that it's truly a small world, after all. :D
Right now I'm enjoying starting one by one, and reading from the farthest archive forward. It's almost like reading a novel, albeit a Faulknerian novel with many turns for stream-of-consciousness.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Searching for "right," asking questions, and being hard-headed
Mark Fish is a recent convert to Judaism.“I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian home,” explains Fish. “You were not allowed to challenge the Bible. Asking questions was not encouraged. Answers were given to you as fact. And this was a major problem for me.”Fish, who participated with a “Jews for Jesus” evangelical group, was introduced to Judaism through efforts in converting Jews to Christianity.
This is an excerpt from an article in the Gay and Lesbian Times which I found by reading a J-blogger, Tamara Eden . (Yes, indeed, I have too much time on my hands!) Although I haven't participated in a "Jews for Jesus" evangelism campaign, his description of his family is almost exactly what I could say about my own. Challenging what the minister said, or more importantly what my father said, was strictly out of the question. Being a hard-headed and strong-willed child (and adult), this is something that I just can't abide...I have to question. I also have to have answers, somehow. When I first sat down with my rabbi one-on-one, he asked that I share a bit about my background. On learning that I had a grounding in the Christian church, he of course questioned what could be fueling my seeking within the walls of his shul. He asked "what do you want out of this?" With tears in my eyes, I said, "To know. Just to know what's right."
So I continue to search for that. As my rabbi pointed out, we can never really know. He feels that Judaism helps us to deal with the "not knowing," and perhaps that will be enough for me. Until I reach that point, I continue to search, continue to seek, and continue to hope that I will find my way.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Questions for a potential convert
These are some questions I found on a JBC's Jblog: tikkunger.com . I felt that they were important for me to be able to answer, and so I am posting the questions along with my personal thoughts. As I continue learning and deciding what I believe, I'm sure my answers will evolve. I may decide to revisit them in the future, just to compare.
As a potential convert are you prepared to raise any future children in a Jewish home?
I would like to, but already having children and a husband who is completely against raising them in that environment, I'm afraid that's not possible.
Are you prepared to marry a Jewish spouse, and if not have the spouse convert and live life Jewishly?
If my spouse were to choose to convert, I would be more than pleased. I can't in good conscience ask him to go against his own beliefs, though.
Are you ready to put the Jewish traditions and cultures ahead of those from your own upbringing?
I would have to, wouldn't I? As a religious Jewish convert, I would be rejecting the majority if not all of my family's traditions. I was raised in a very religious household, so our traditions were/are often religious in nature. So yes, I would be willing to put Jewish tradition and culture ahead of my own.
Are you prepared to deal with what that means in terms of your family and friends?
Having already faced a little of what that would mean, yes I can say that I am. It's at times painful, but if I feel strongly enough about it, it would be well worth it.
What about Israel, do you understand the significance of Israel and are you ready to support it?
I have to be honest that in spite of all that I've read regarding Israel, I don't think it's possible for me to truly understand the significance of Israel as a homeland. I do understand the significance it can hold as a reassurance to Jews in the Diaspora that they will always have someplace that will accept them, should the worst happen as it did over 50 years ago. I understand the significance to those Orthodox Jews who believe that Zionism was a mistaken attempt by man to force G-d's hand toward the Messianic era. I understand the significance to Muslims and Arabs the world over who see it as an affront to the umma. I understand the significance to fundamentalist Christians who believe Israel must exist in order for the End Times to occur. Israel holds so much significance for so many, it's impossible to completely understand or cover the bases.
When you run into situations that are uncomfortable from a Jewish perspective are you going to hide being Jewish or are you willing to assert yourself respectfully but in a way that defends the tribe?
Anyone who knows me knows I don't back down from confrontation if I feel strongly about something...although I will want to present a respectful opinion, I will certainly speak up if I feel the situation deserves it.
As a potential convert are you prepared to raise any future children in a Jewish home?
I would like to, but already having children and a husband who is completely against raising them in that environment, I'm afraid that's not possible.
Are you prepared to marry a Jewish spouse, and if not have the spouse convert and live life Jewishly?
If my spouse were to choose to convert, I would be more than pleased. I can't in good conscience ask him to go against his own beliefs, though.
Are you ready to put the Jewish traditions and cultures ahead of those from your own upbringing?
I would have to, wouldn't I? As a religious Jewish convert, I would be rejecting the majority if not all of my family's traditions. I was raised in a very religious household, so our traditions were/are often religious in nature. So yes, I would be willing to put Jewish tradition and culture ahead of my own.
Are you prepared to deal with what that means in terms of your family and friends?
Having already faced a little of what that would mean, yes I can say that I am. It's at times painful, but if I feel strongly enough about it, it would be well worth it.
What about Israel, do you understand the significance of Israel and are you ready to support it?
I have to be honest that in spite of all that I've read regarding Israel, I don't think it's possible for me to truly understand the significance of Israel as a homeland. I do understand the significance it can hold as a reassurance to Jews in the Diaspora that they will always have someplace that will accept them, should the worst happen as it did over 50 years ago. I understand the significance to those Orthodox Jews who believe that Zionism was a mistaken attempt by man to force G-d's hand toward the Messianic era. I understand the significance to Muslims and Arabs the world over who see it as an affront to the umma. I understand the significance to fundamentalist Christians who believe Israel must exist in order for the End Times to occur. Israel holds so much significance for so many, it's impossible to completely understand or cover the bases.
When you run into situations that are uncomfortable from a Jewish perspective are you going to hide being Jewish or are you willing to assert yourself respectfully but in a way that defends the tribe?
Anyone who knows me knows I don't back down from confrontation if I feel strongly about something...although I will want to present a respectful opinion, I will certainly speak up if I feel the situation deserves it.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A Yearn to Learn
The more I read the blogs of others converting to Judaism, those who have converted, or Jews by birth...
the more I read books on Jewish heritage, Jewish history, Jewish thought, and Jewish practice...
the more I am around others who were born Jewish and raised Jewish and who live Jewishly...
the more I yearn to learn. I realize just how much I don't know, how much I need to learn, how much there is to do: rituals, brachot, keeping kashrut, preparing for Pesach, and so much more!
I feel as though I have a lifetime to fit into a blink of an eye...which, in a sense, I do. I was not raised in an observant Jewish family, so I must learn everything that a child does, and work my way up an an adult's knowledge. However, I still have a lifetime in which to fit this gathering of knowledge. Remind me of this: there is time. Time is of the essence, but there is time.
the more I read books on Jewish heritage, Jewish history, Jewish thought, and Jewish practice...
the more I am around others who were born Jewish and raised Jewish and who live Jewishly...
the more I yearn to learn. I realize just how much I don't know, how much I need to learn, how much there is to do: rituals, brachot, keeping kashrut, preparing for Pesach, and so much more!
I feel as though I have a lifetime to fit into a blink of an eye...which, in a sense, I do. I was not raised in an observant Jewish family, so I must learn everything that a child does, and work my way up an an adult's knowledge. However, I still have a lifetime in which to fit this gathering of knowledge. Remind me of this: there is time. Time is of the essence, but there is time.
Friday, March 14, 2008
A little bit of this and a little bit of that?
A friend and I were talking today, and the topic of celebrating holidays of different religions came up. Being agnostic, she couldn't understand that I would be less than thrilled to give up a celebration, but would choose to do so because of conversion. In her words, "I don't see why it has to be so black and white...why can't you take what you like from all religions and create your own religion?"
In theory, you could. But you would certainly be creating your own religion if you were to do that individually, and you would be part of a syncretistic faith if you did it as part of a group effort. I am not trying to do religion buffet style; I believe what I believe. In the Sh'ma, it's very plain that Judaism does not accept other gods, and I would hazard a guess that YHWH would not appreciate his people celebrating the birth of a larger culture's "god," or the raising of the same.
On another interesting, related note, my sister-in-law is waging a "revival" campaign to get me "back in the fold," Baptist-style. I've been pressured to come to the women's bible study Sunday night get-together, as well as the church's Easter Sunday celebration. I say pressured, and not invited, because she issued the invitation, then badgered me about why I turned her down, and how I could bring the whole family along as well. Although I understand her reasonings, she has shown no respect for my own reasonings.
Other religions, former religions...so much to try to respect in others, while trying to respect my own beliefs as well.
In theory, you could. But you would certainly be creating your own religion if you were to do that individually, and you would be part of a syncretistic faith if you did it as part of a group effort. I am not trying to do religion buffet style; I believe what I believe. In the Sh'ma, it's very plain that Judaism does not accept other gods, and I would hazard a guess that YHWH would not appreciate his people celebrating the birth of a larger culture's "god," or the raising of the same.
On another interesting, related note, my sister-in-law is waging a "revival" campaign to get me "back in the fold," Baptist-style. I've been pressured to come to the women's bible study Sunday night get-together, as well as the church's Easter Sunday celebration. I say pressured, and not invited, because she issued the invitation, then badgered me about why I turned her down, and how I could bring the whole family along as well. Although I understand her reasonings, she has shown no respect for my own reasonings.
Other religions, former religions...so much to try to respect in others, while trying to respect my own beliefs as well.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
What caused the change?
Why would someone who seems so settled, so grounded, so rooted in their beliefs suddenly toss it all out the window and begin again, nearly from scratch?
I don't know the answer to that. I couldn't tell you what it was that made me suddenly question Jesus as the Messiah, although I can tell you that having someone knowledgeable question your beliefs is a sure cause for self-reflection if you are trying to keep an open mind. On a suggestion from a friend, I read the book Why the Jews Rejected Jesus, and did my best to keep an open mind and heart. On one level, it would be too easy to simply throw the baby out with the bathwater and say that all religions are fairytales for the weak who need a crutch. On another level, however, I cannot make myself believe that there is no G-d. I just can't do it.
Being raised a Christian, I was told that Christianity is Judaism updated. In order to feel comfortable in what I believe, I didn't want to accept what ministers say as "gospel" without at least making an effort to check out their statements. In speaking with a rabbi (who was to become my rabbi), he quickly moved to disabuse me of the thought that Christianity shared anything more than the most basic roots with modern-day, rabbinical Judaism. As I began to read more and delve more into the history and culture of Judaism and Christianity, I am finding I agree with him whole-heartedly. Although Christians may have taken the "Old Testament" (Tanakh) for their own, they moved quickly to distance themselves from its teachings. Paul the "good Jew" turns the Tanakh on its head, abolishing halakhic principles as they apply to Christians, gentile or Jew. Although Jesus claimed he "came not to abolish the Law (Torah), but to fulfill it," Paul seems to think his own brand of Christianity is preferable to Christ's.
This is but one of the many reasons I find Christianity to be more and more difficult to uphold intellectually...to my own mind. It's difficult to express to others, especially Christians whom I respect and don't want to put on the defensive. At the same time, I come across as wishy-washy at best, and mentally defective at worst, when I can't explain to friends and family why I am following this path.
And why am I following this path? I feel led, drawn to Judaism in a way I can't explain. I've always felt drawn to the Hebrews, the Israelites, the Chosen People...but why? My husband says it's because I want to be "chosen" as well. Perhaps that's a good psychologial point. I do have memories of jealousy for being a Christian and not one of the Chosen (this of course was long in the past, before I was old enough to learn about the Holocaust, the Expulsions, the pogroms, the ghettos, and the rampant anti-Semitism that came along with the "chosenness"). On the other hand, why have I always yearned to be Jewish, beyond that childhood desire? Even while emotionally quaking at the stories of the Holocaust, I felt connected to these people...was it because of my own German background that made me feel a residual guilt on behalf of my possible kinsmen? Or was it because, as some tradition claims, all Jewish souls, born or convert, past, present, or future, were present at Sinai for the handing down of the Law and the covenant? Was I born with a kabbalistic divine spark that forever calls to me to become one with the people from whom I've been inadvertently separated?
All of this could simply be considered useless navel-gazing, but it is something which has been troubling me for months now. There is never a good time to get all of the questions and concerns out, but perhaps someone else in Internet land feels similarly to what I feel. If so, I have sympathy for your soul-searching, your desire for something that's difficult to name, your wish to find that place and that peace that makes you feel whole.
~R
I don't know the answer to that. I couldn't tell you what it was that made me suddenly question Jesus as the Messiah, although I can tell you that having someone knowledgeable question your beliefs is a sure cause for self-reflection if you are trying to keep an open mind. On a suggestion from a friend, I read the book Why the Jews Rejected Jesus, and did my best to keep an open mind and heart. On one level, it would be too easy to simply throw the baby out with the bathwater and say that all religions are fairytales for the weak who need a crutch. On another level, however, I cannot make myself believe that there is no G-d. I just can't do it.
Being raised a Christian, I was told that Christianity is Judaism updated. In order to feel comfortable in what I believe, I didn't want to accept what ministers say as "gospel" without at least making an effort to check out their statements. In speaking with a rabbi (who was to become my rabbi), he quickly moved to disabuse me of the thought that Christianity shared anything more than the most basic roots with modern-day, rabbinical Judaism. As I began to read more and delve more into the history and culture of Judaism and Christianity, I am finding I agree with him whole-heartedly. Although Christians may have taken the "Old Testament" (Tanakh) for their own, they moved quickly to distance themselves from its teachings. Paul the "good Jew" turns the Tanakh on its head, abolishing halakhic principles as they apply to Christians, gentile or Jew. Although Jesus claimed he "came not to abolish the Law (Torah), but to fulfill it," Paul seems to think his own brand of Christianity is preferable to Christ's.
This is but one of the many reasons I find Christianity to be more and more difficult to uphold intellectually...to my own mind. It's difficult to express to others, especially Christians whom I respect and don't want to put on the defensive. At the same time, I come across as wishy-washy at best, and mentally defective at worst, when I can't explain to friends and family why I am following this path.
And why am I following this path? I feel led, drawn to Judaism in a way I can't explain. I've always felt drawn to the Hebrews, the Israelites, the Chosen People...but why? My husband says it's because I want to be "chosen" as well. Perhaps that's a good psychologial point. I do have memories of jealousy for being a Christian and not one of the Chosen (this of course was long in the past, before I was old enough to learn about the Holocaust, the Expulsions, the pogroms, the ghettos, and the rampant anti-Semitism that came along with the "chosenness"). On the other hand, why have I always yearned to be Jewish, beyond that childhood desire? Even while emotionally quaking at the stories of the Holocaust, I felt connected to these people...was it because of my own German background that made me feel a residual guilt on behalf of my possible kinsmen? Or was it because, as some tradition claims, all Jewish souls, born or convert, past, present, or future, were present at Sinai for the handing down of the Law and the covenant? Was I born with a kabbalistic divine spark that forever calls to me to become one with the people from whom I've been inadvertently separated?
All of this could simply be considered useless navel-gazing, but it is something which has been troubling me for months now. There is never a good time to get all of the questions and concerns out, but perhaps someone else in Internet land feels similarly to what I feel. If so, I have sympathy for your soul-searching, your desire for something that's difficult to name, your wish to find that place and that peace that makes you feel whole.
~R
Monday, March 10, 2008
An introduction
A new blog...as much as I enjoy talking, you would think I would be bursting with wise and witty things to say about myself on this "crisp, white" page...but I'm doing a lot more pausing and thinking than I expected.
Well, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rivkah. I am a confused person, as many of us seem to be. :) I am also a daughter, a wife, a mother, and a friend. Professionally, I'm a student and a housewife. And most importantly, I'm a reader and a searcher. I was raised in a Presbyterian church by the equivalent of a Southern Baptist family. Now I am questioning all that I was raised in and with, and looking with new eyes on G-d and religion. You could call me a seeker, a potential convert, a ger, or a psycho. My rabbi has questioned my sanity. ;) But for now, just call me Rivkah, and if you wish you may listen in on my musings, meanderings, and muddles.
Take care!
~R
Well, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rivkah. I am a confused person, as many of us seem to be. :) I am also a daughter, a wife, a mother, and a friend. Professionally, I'm a student and a housewife. And most importantly, I'm a reader and a searcher. I was raised in a Presbyterian church by the equivalent of a Southern Baptist family. Now I am questioning all that I was raised in and with, and looking with new eyes on G-d and religion. You could call me a seeker, a potential convert, a ger, or a psycho. My rabbi has questioned my sanity. ;) But for now, just call me Rivkah, and if you wish you may listen in on my musings, meanderings, and muddles.
Take care!
~R
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