I am reading the book Generation J by Lisa Schiffman, and found a wonderful passage that describes me to a "t."
Liminality is the gray area. It's the step before transformation, a necessary uncomfortable state of being. It had fascinated me since I learned of it in graduate school. Turner called it the state of being betwixt and between, and wrote about it in reams. It's a phase of unease. Insecurity. Not-knowing. Ambivalence.
Here's an example. Say you wanted to convert to Judaism. You'd lived with this desire for years. You no longer believed in Jesus as the messiah, and you didn't celebrate Easter or take communion. You went to synagogue on Friday nights. You finally understood that gefilte fish was edible--yes, not something to fear. Walking around with a last name like McCormick--attached to the notion of Christmas, perhaps, but lighting Shabbat candles with fervor--you were just before the juncture, the opening. You needed the rabbi's blessing, which was six months away. You were on the way to becoming whatever it is you would become. In the meantime, neither Christian nor Jew, you were in a spiritual netherworld. You were liminal. Most likely, you were anxious as well.
I should have realized that in the realms of psychology there would be a term for the state I'm in right now. Liminal. I've been struggling so much with this grey area, for months now, but definitely in the last few weeks. I want so much to belong somewhere, to feel at home in my own skin, and I'm simply not there yet. I'm "betwixt and between," and it's painful. Schiffman goes on to say that in our society we've decided pain is a bad thing, and we do our utmost to avoid it, dull it, make it go away. She thinks perhaps it would be better to own it, to exist within it, and possibly embrace it.
I'm not sure that I can embrace anxiety and relentless questions, but to be able to name my state of being, to roll the word around on my tongue and in my mind...liminal. Somehow that is reassuring. Perhaps because it seems impossible to forever exist in the grey area...eventually we must all stop fence sitting and choose to slide off to one side or the other. But for now, I'm uncomfortably situated on top of that fence.
Excerpt from Generation J by Lisa Schiffman. HarperCollins, New York, 1999. pp 90-91.
2 comments:
That is a good excerpt, and it's true to a point I think. At some point I think you hit that point where even if you're not "officially" converted, you are Jewish in the eyes of yourself and your peers and the bells and whistles conversion sort of happens. At least, for me it was sort of like that :) I felt like I'd been living legitimately and comfortably Jewish for a while.
I wish I had liked her book, but she seemed like she had a big ole' chip on her shoulder the whole time and I just didn't care for it. I hope you get something out of it!!
It's interesting that you and I saw the book so differently, Chavi. I guess I really identified with her search for what her faith meant to her, because I've struggled with my "birth" religion and seeking meaning within other contexts. In a way I was surprised with how much she was willing to work outside Judaism (such as participating in a pagan wedding). Over all, though, maybe it was the struggle in her marriage that really meant the most to me. Her husband seemed a lot more open to her searching than mine is, but then he also knew she was Jewish when he married her. ;)
I'm getting to the point of feeling Jewish, but I still feel that I'm not quite "there," if you know what I mean. But then, I'm only in the beginning of my learning and conversion, while you've been Jewish officially and individually for quite a while now! :) I think I'm pulling out of the liminal feeling and more toward my Jewishness every day, though. Thanks for your thoughts!
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