Is Reform Kashrut an Oxymoron?

My husband and I were having a discussion a couple days ago about Judaism in general, but specifically my efforts toward keeping kosher. I am converting under the auspices of Reform Judaism, mainly because that's the affiliation of our local synagogue (much like Yair, I live far out in the Diaspora), but also because I doubt any other branch would be willing to convert a married woman whose husband is firmly against her conversion and whose children will be raised in an interfaith fashion, rather than as Jews.

There was an interesting discussion on kashrut over on Jews by Choice a week or so ago. I'll just share one point made by Avi, but if you're interested the entire post and comment thread is full of well thought out responses.

What I’m still curious about, is just what do reform Jews mean by keeping kosher? To my mind Kashrut is (or at least it is intended to be) something of an objective measure. Kosher is A and not B. I’m not sure how that works in a community where no such standards exist. Two Reform Jews can call themselves Jew’s who keep kosher but may mean two totally different things by it. I’m not sure that Rivkah saying that she “keeps kosher according to her evolving standards” really means anything at all other than to her as an individual. Don’t get me wrong that’s fine within the context of individual Observance but Kashrut, as I see it, depends upon accepted community standards. I’m not suggesting that everyone follows the standard but rather that it is at least accepted as the standard by which Kashrut is measured.

I guess that I’m with the Orthodox on this one Rivkah.

Anyhow bottom line is that (from my POV at any rate) it’s good to see that Reform Jews seem to be interested in working with this form of Observance.

So what do Reform Jews mean by "keeping kosher?" If halakha isn't binding on the Reform community, what is our measure for what is or is not kosher? Do we draw the line at pork and seafood? Do we keep kosher in some settings but not others? Do we not mix meat and milk?

As Avi pointed out, my efforts to keep kosher are fine on an individual basis, but don't mean anything in the context of Judaism worldwide. Something I mentioned in my response to the post was my experience last Hanukkah when I brought a homemade apple and cranberry sauce to our shul's dinner. Some people ate it, but many bypassed it. It wasn't until I paid more attention to what was offered on the buffet and what people chose for their plates that I realized what might have affected the popularity (or lack thereof) of my dish: many seemed to be keeping strict kosher. I should have realized this before, because we had a conversation about bringing dishes during our "crash" Hebrew course earlier that week. Although this congregation is affiliated Reform, because it serves a wide area as the only synagogue, many who may otherwise have chosen to be Conservative attend. Because of this, the laws of Kashrut affect all of us, Reform or not.

It was ironic that this blog post and discussion were echoed by my husband the other night. He wanted to know why I wasted my time trying to keep "kosher" when I wasn't in fact keeping kosher properly. My husband has been the victim of many one-sided discussions of the ins and outs of Judaism over the past several months, so he's aware of what keeping Kashrut entails: separate dishes for milk and meat, allowing time to elapse between eating milk and meat, looking for the approved hekhsher on packages, and the kosher slaughter of animals for meat to be acceptable. The effort it would take to make our home kosher, both physically and emotionally within our marriage, is staggering. This is a main component of why I don't keep true kosher: a freezer with bacon sitting beside non-kosher hamburger negates any effort on my part to not eat dairy with that hamburger. The same pots and pans are used for pork, other meats, and dairy, thus rendering any food cooked therein treif.

So why do I try to keep kosher in my own little way? Because as much as Reform Judaism may say halakha isn't binding, I still feel the pull that this is part and parcel of my life as a Jew. Perhaps, in different circumstances, I would be Conservative. My husband tries to understand this need of mine, but he can't. I don't blame him, because I can't explain or truly understand it either. Although it may be a failed effort on my part, I'll continue to make it. For me, it is a piece to the puzzle of walking humbly with my G-d.

Some joys, some oys...

I suppose I'll start with the joys...might as well have a smile to begin, right?

Today we were in town going to the library when my daughter asked, "Mommy, where is the synagogue?" I pointed it out to her as we drove past, and she added, "I liked going there, when can we go again?" I'm sure I was grinning from ear to ear until we reached our next destination in our errands. How great is it when your child wants to take part in something that's important to you?

Another joy, I watched the film Crossing Delancey this afternoon. During the bris the officiating rabbi/mohel recites blessings, and it was music to my ears to hear Baruch ata Adonai... I love that this is becoming "home" to me, that it's so natural to hear a blessing that I can nearly join in for the entirety.

On to the "oys"...the downside of my daughter wanting to go with me to services is that my husband has laid down the law that he will not allow "his" children to be raised Jewishly. He is adamant that he does not want me to take the kids with me to services or to allow them to engage in rituals with me at home. I also have bowed to his wishes in choosing not to continue attending services for the time being, which is very difficult for me in some ways. I miss the prayers, I miss the rituals, I miss the community I was calling my own. My marriage is also a 'covenant,' however, since I entered into it as a Christian under the auspices of the Presbyterian Church. I love my husband dearly, and I don't believe that G-d intends for this marriage to be broken. With that thought in mind, I am doing my best to maintain shalom bayit, even though it means compromising on something important to me.

The other oy from the film, to match the joy, was the thought occurring to me at the end when Sam says he recited a bracha before going to Bubbe's apartment: sigh "I wish I had a Jewish husband..."

I'm not entirely certain why my life has taken this turn, but I hope there's some purpose, or at least a positive outcome, to all this emotional Laffy-taffy I'm feeling subjected to!

With all those thoughts out of the way, I'm looking forward to Shabbat this week! I wish everyone Shabbat Shalom. :)

Hmmm...

I was riding down the road today and passed a business sign...one of those with the removeable letters that you can change to read different messages. This one read something along the lines of "I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you. John 14:18." (Of course I just googled this to make sure I was right. ;))

An interesting thing is happening inside me...I read that, and the first thing that popped into my mind was, "Well, he hasn't come yet!" I'm finding that more and more I feel divorced from my conservative Christian roots, and more and more I feel at loose ends. I'm caught betwixt and between...no longer comfortable in the faith of Christianity, not yet comfortable in the heritage of Judaism. Speaking with a friend, I said I felt as though I'm "faking it," because I'm not "really Jewish." I don't know if that's a genuine feeling, or if it's born of my husband repeating it to me so frequently in the past few months. I'm sure it's a bit of both. I want so much to tell my rabbi I'm ready for the next step, ready to begin a true track toward conversion. At the same time, I'm scared stiff. My husband said loudly in a clothing store the other day, "You can't wear that--it's not Jewish enough." In a small town, news travels fast. Not only was I shocked that he was saying something about clothing (what exactly is "Jewish" clothing anymore, anyway? It's not as if I'm considering converting Orthodox that he could say I'm not fitting a dress code!), I was also shocked that he was pointedly doing this in a public place where he was apparently hoping to be overheard. I've told him before that I'm not sure enough in my convictions (or perhaps lack thereof?) to "come out" to everyone that I'm wanting to convert to Judaism. We do live in a small town, and it is predominantly Christian. Unlike what they claim in their dogma, Christians have long memories and are not terribly forgiving, especially when it means their values and beliefs, their veracity, has been questioned. Even in "returning to the fold," if I were to do that, I would forever be a pariah in this area.

Sadly, that's the main reason I'm not "coming out" yet. Interestingly enough, every time I take part in something that reinforces my Judaism (attending the Chanukah dinner, when my daughter and I ended up as part of the broadcast on the evening news, or being seen and possibly heard discussing Judaism and Telushkin with a friend while out in town the other day, for examples), it seems to be something that draws attention to me. I'm not sure if this is meant to "shame" me into turning away, or if it's meant to encourage me to be bolder and take that next step...regardless of what others think.

Honestly, I think I'm reading too much into it. ;) I'm hoping to read through the JPS Tanakh (which I am thrilled to say I own now!), and see if that helps me see things more clearly. I would like to take the Intro to Judaism class that's coming up, but of course want to talk with my rabbi before then.

Would I be more likely to have already begun that by now, or less, if I weren't having to fight tooth and nail for every concession my dear husband has made to me thus far? I wonder...

Absolutely Random Post

In which I carry on about absolutely random things in a stream-of-consciousness style.

I have just finished reading posts from a forum which is full of animus. I realize that people will be themselves, only more so, on the Internet. However, are we all really so touchy over supposed slights against virtual friends? The hatefulness I just wasted time perusing was enough to depress anyone, much less those who were fully involved in tearing each other down. Perhaps Thumper's mother had the right idea after all:

If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all. ~Bambi

And yes, in the interest of full disclosure, I do have those days myself. That's when I enjoy my Shabbat more than usual. It's a chance to clear my head, focus on something beyond my small world, and come back renewed and refreshed.

Moving on, don't you hate when you have ideas for posts, and once you get online you realize you've completely forgotten them? I had several posts over the past week which I was working on developing in my mind...and now I don't have even the ghostly wisps of those thoughts left to discuss. So frustrating!

On Sunday I had the opportunity to meet a fellow convert friend for coffee and a walk around town, which I thoroughly enjoyed. We have both been reading through Telushkin's Jewish Literacy, and with the situations in our families being similar, it was wonderful to be able to discuss things from the book with each other. By the end of our walk, we had to laugh at how often we were saying, "oh, well Telushkin said this about..." or "I think it was in Telushkin where there was this quote..." We decided we've become "Telushkinites:" all we know about Judaism we learned from Telushkin. Of course, not seriously, but I have been debating buying a copy of the book to have as a reference. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. We both agreed that Telushkin is highly readable and relateable. Considering the size of the book, and the fact that I plan to tackle "Biblical Literacy" sometime in the near future, I'm very thankful for that!

My friend brought up an interesting point while we were talking. He and my husband knew each other in school, and he is aware of my husband's dislike for my desire to convert to Judaism. He asked me whether my husband might be concerned that if I converted, I might decide that a Christian husband was not right for me any longer, and look for a "good Jewish boy" to marry instead.

Although I appreciate his concern, I doubt that my husband has that particular difficulty in mind when he stands so firmly against my conversion. I think that although he doesn't practice his faith, he still holds strongly to it, and would like me to do the same. I've written before about my concerns for my children and what conversion would mean for them; I believe that's a strong concern of my husband's as well.

After sharing this with my friend, he made the suggestion that I consider not converting, but attending shul as a Gentile. This doesn't sit well with me, because it feels like unfinished business. I'm not sure what exactly is pushing me toward taking that final step in becoming a member of the Tribe, which may be the topic for another post! (Ah, and here we find the secret to proper posting procedure...when a topic for a post comes to mind, WRITE IT DOWN! Or in this case, post it down.)

On a final, random note, I must go fix dinner. My children are hungry and fomenting revolt, starting with tearing up my freshly made bed.