Mental Wrestling is Physically Tiring

I was speaking with my rabbi several months ago. The week before he had asked me several difficult questions about my desire to pursue Judaism, and I had been near tears while expressing my answers. The following week I walked into the Hebrew class calm and in a pleasant mood. After the lesson was through and we were packing our things to leave, he asked how I was doing. When I told him simply, "doing pretty well," he smirked (yes, my rabbi is capable of smirking, as horribly disrespectful as that sounds) and observed that I must have decided to put the mental, emotional, spiritual fight to the side and not think about it. I had to agree with him.

Choosing to stop believing and living in the way you were raised is not easy. Making a decision as to whether that is the right thing or not is even more difficult. I find myself wishing I could let go of this tug-of-war and simply be whatever it is I am meant to be. There are times when my soul cries out for relief, for peace, for G-d to step in and put me on the right path for me. How am I ever to know I am on the right path? Unlike a path through the woods, which can be lost but retraced to restore one to the original way, a life cannot be relived. Once a decision has been made, a path has been chosen, there is no turning back for a "redo" or "do-over." There is no way of knowing which spiritual path is "correct" until one reaches the end and steps over that threshold into what lies ahead. Many times I've wished nothing lay ahead...how easy to fall into a conscious-less slumber, with nothing to answer for and no one to please.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to believe. I am frightened by my own ignorance, and disempowered by confusion. Will I ever find my way out of this labyrinth I've entered, or will I wander here forever? How can I lead my children if I can't find the way myself?

I am at a loss.

Hmmm...

I was riding down the road today and passed a business sign...one of those with the removeable letters that you can change to read different messages. This one read something along the lines of "I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you. John 14:18." (Of course I just googled this to make sure I was right. ;))

An interesting thing is happening inside me...I read that, and the first thing that popped into my mind was, "Well, he hasn't come yet!" I'm finding that more and more I feel divorced from my conservative Christian roots, and more and more I feel at loose ends. I'm caught betwixt and between...no longer comfortable in the faith of Christianity, not yet comfortable in the heritage of Judaism. Speaking with a friend, I said I felt as though I'm "faking it," because I'm not "really Jewish." I don't know if that's a genuine feeling, or if it's born of my husband repeating it to me so frequently in the past few months. I'm sure it's a bit of both. I want so much to tell my rabbi I'm ready for the next step, ready to begin a true track toward conversion. At the same time, I'm scared stiff. My husband said loudly in a clothing store the other day, "You can't wear that--it's not Jewish enough." In a small town, news travels fast. Not only was I shocked that he was saying something about clothing (what exactly is "Jewish" clothing anymore, anyway? It's not as if I'm considering converting Orthodox that he could say I'm not fitting a dress code!), I was also shocked that he was pointedly doing this in a public place where he was apparently hoping to be overheard. I've told him before that I'm not sure enough in my convictions (or perhaps lack thereof?) to "come out" to everyone that I'm wanting to convert to Judaism. We do live in a small town, and it is predominantly Christian. Unlike what they claim in their dogma, Christians have long memories and are not terribly forgiving, especially when it means their values and beliefs, their veracity, has been questioned. Even in "returning to the fold," if I were to do that, I would forever be a pariah in this area.

Sadly, that's the main reason I'm not "coming out" yet. Interestingly enough, every time I take part in something that reinforces my Judaism (attending the Chanukah dinner, when my daughter and I ended up as part of the broadcast on the evening news, or being seen and possibly heard discussing Judaism and Telushkin with a friend while out in town the other day, for examples), it seems to be something that draws attention to me. I'm not sure if this is meant to "shame" me into turning away, or if it's meant to encourage me to be bolder and take that next step...regardless of what others think.

Honestly, I think I'm reading too much into it. ;) I'm hoping to read through the JPS Tanakh (which I am thrilled to say I own now!), and see if that helps me see things more clearly. I would like to take the Intro to Judaism class that's coming up, but of course want to talk with my rabbi before then.

Would I be more likely to have already begun that by now, or less, if I weren't having to fight tooth and nail for every concession my dear husband has made to me thus far? I wonder...

On Conversion and Children

I'm sure every parent has looked down into their child's face as a sleeping infant and wanted for them the best, the least difficult, the most perfect life. I've read more than one article which was based on the premise that babies bring a spiritual reawakening into the home along with their first breath. I can't say that my spiritual reawakening was instantaneous, but there's nothing like the miracle of new life to make someone want to bless the heavens. If this new life ushers in a more devout mindset, a desire to pass this faith to the next generation, all the better. Children are remarkably open to whatever their parents tell them in their early years. Whether that sticks or not is up for questioning, but in the beginning even the Tooth Fairy is real, and G-d is in His heaven looking down on the world, tugging on His long, grey beard as He surveys His creation.

This raises a problem for a convert who is already a parent at that critical time. What do you tell your children? Do you open up their world to such bleak doubt? Once broken, is their trust and faith forever shattered, or will they simply follow the lead they are given?

While reading a children's book titled Many Ways, a book on the commonalities among the world's great religions, my school-aged daughter kept looking for symbols and rituals that were "English," ie, Christian. While I was drawn automatically to the Judaica, the Mogen David, the Shabbat candlelighting, the Torah scrolls, the kipa, she was drawn to the crosses, the baptisms, the choirs, the hot cross buns. When she said, "this is us, Mommy," I didn't have the heart to tell her, "No, that is you, dear. This over here is Mommy." How do you tear your family apart, setting yourself opposite that which you have taught your child, and putting your very self in opposition to hers?