The Enigma

"Why?"

"What exactly was it that made you change your mind?"

"How did this happen?"

Living in a small town community has its challenges for any Jew, I know. We're isolated from Jewish culture centers and inundated with messages that Christianity is the real religion (I was surprised to realize the other day that "Judeo-Christian" really means "Christian with some heritage" when in common usage around here). With this in mind, why would I be at all surprised to find that Christians are baffled at the thought of conversion to Judaism from Christianity? After all, I am well aware that the prevailing thought is along the lines of "Christianity is Judaism perfected." Why wouldn't Christians question my decision to "go backward?"

Even a couple years into this journey, I still find these surprises lying in wait for me, just as they still scratch their heads. I am the enigma to my friends, family, and acquaintances. I am the problem they discuss when religion is the topic of conversation. I am the human Rubik's cube that they continually fidget with and fuss over, hoping to find the one part that clicks and unlocks the puzzle.

It sounds so self-centered, but for my nearest and dearest, it's generally accurate. I think the dailiness of Jewish life, the weekly coming of Shabbat, the frequency of the multitude of Jewish holidays on the calendar, along with the Christian admonitions to bring back the wanderer and evangelize to the unsaved, keeps this paramount on their list of to-dos. My seeking and studying has been boiled down to the terse "are you still doing that Jewish thing?"

Well, yes, I am. Thankfully, "doing Jewish" is a great way to put it, so the question makes me smile rather than frown. Yes, I'm still trying to live my life Jewishly, do Jewish things, celebrate Jewish holidays, doing that Jewish thing.

Even holding conversation after conversation, the questions continue to emerge: why would you go backward? Why would you turn your back on your upbringing? What did it?

I think they want as much to know "what was the clincher" as anything. I don't know whether it's due to a concern that a similar situation might affect them the same way, or whether if they could just know what to attack and argue against, they might have a chance to change my mind. It's as if my convictions are in code, and if they could just break the code, they could reorder my thoughts. So what on earth was I thinking?

In all honesty, it's been long enough that the original catalyst has long gone fuzzy in my mind. I remember the feeling of wholeness I found in the synagogue that first Simchat Torah, but I don't remember the arguments that caused me to question the upbringing I received. I remember the feeling of opening up a door when I began Hebrew lessons and could follow along in the siddur during services, but not the words that might have made me open to the experience. Apparently, the first inklings will have to remain an engima to us all. What's important to me is my continuing identification with Jewish life and the Jewish community. How and why did it begin?

I honestly don't know. But I'm glad it did.

Couldn't have said it better myself...

We Jews are, ideally, a kingdom of priests and a holy nation, a light unto the world - who would not want to be a part of such a nation? That is why I am Jewish.

Our national history teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves, to not shun the stranger - for we were strangers in the land of Egypt. Who better than to carry the torch of social justice, to set a positive example?

To us Jews, faith is important - but deeds are much more so. That is why I am Jewish. I am Jewish because I am the descendant of people who were not content merely to pray to God, but had the chutzpah to bargain with, argue with, and cajole Him.

I am Jewish because we need no intermediaries between us and the Almighty, an ineffable Spirit who does not need to incarnate Himself in order to understand the deepest thoughts of His creations, who created them without sin or blemish (and without perfection) - but with Free Will. That is why I am Jewish.

Plus...gefilte fish!

Jack: Why be Jewish?

I can't really say I want to be Jewish thanks to the gefilte fish...it's sad to admit, but I'm not much of a fish eater at all. The rest of this quote from Jack's blog is so much what I think...who wouldn't want to be part of such a nation?

Jack sought the opinions and thoughts of many, many Jews across the blogosphere in order to form his post, "Why be Jewish?" The answers are fascinating. I highly recommend reading it if you haven't already.

A Break for Girly News!

I am old enough to remember when American Girl books and dolls came out. Naturally it was the books which first drew me in, and I can remember waiting for the newest installments to come out all through elementary school. As I aged out of the series, I continued to keep an eye on the dolls. Those beautiful dolls, so expensive for a working class family, but so exciting with all their accoutrements! It's amazing how much one doll can collect (because you know you're not collecting these things yourself, don't you?).

Now with a daughter I continue to watch the American Girl dolls, but never really thought they were worth the expense...until now. Meet Rebecca Rubin, the newest American Girl!

I am excited about this doll for a number of reasons. First, as a history major and a parent the ability to introduce history in my child's toy (as opposed to "The History of Strawberry Shortcake" ) is a large draw. According to the Times, the historicity of Rebecca's story seems to be on target, which is the first question I always need answered. Second, as a developing Jewish family the ability for my daughter to find a doll she can identify with religiously (as opposed to "Christmas for Samantha" and other holiday stories) is promising. Especially living in a rural area without the Jewish flavor that might be found in a larger community, any chance to help my daughter see Judaism around her is one worth taking.

The third reason is the doll itself. Not only is it a historical, Jewish doll, but my daughter looked at the picture and said "it's me!" She also has the light brown hair with auburn highlights, which until last week fell to the middle of her back. Knowing that I was secretly planning to purchase this doll for her birthday, I had to grin when she followed that observation up with a question: "Does she come with challah?"

Why, yes, my dear, she does! I can hardly wait till Miss Rebecca Rubin goes on sale next week. A hat tip to both Chaviva and Frume Sarah, as they both have featured this new arrival on their blogs before me.

Chag Sameach Shavuot!

Mental Block

Call it exhaustion, call it performance anxiety, call it fear of rejection...call it whatever you like, but the fact is that I have completely frozen on my Beit Din essay.

I was saving this till after the end of the semester, sort of a 'saving the best for last' thought because I knew that I wouldn't be searching things in books or online, footnoting or fact-checking with this essay. It would come from the heart and I already knew the answers, so how hard could it be?

Turns out, pretty darn hard. I know how I came to this point, but to sit down and put in black and white that "oh, I just kinda all of a sudden decided that Christianity was wrong and Judaism was, like, AWESOME," isn't exactly what I think the Beit Din wants to hear. It's not really how things happened, either, but it's the Cliffs Notes version. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I got to this point. Was it really the Introduction to World Religions class? After all, my professor reassured us at the beginning that he had never, in all his years of teaching religious studies, had anyone convert from their religion to another due to what they learned in class. That doesn't mean it wasn't the reason, obviously. There's always a first time (and may I just add a disclaimer, I'm actually looking forward to getting back in touch with him and letting him know that I'm his first. What can I say, it just makes me chortle with glee). Was it because my mother once upon a time was interested in Messianic Judaism/Christianity and we had intertwined Jewish and Christian motifs in our home? (By the way, I still want to find that dreidel!)

Is it because I like to be different? Is it a rebellion against everything in my life that's the norm? I'd like to hope not, since normalcy and comfort are something I'm really craving right now during this deployment.

I am so stuck. I want to be able to explain myself, but I'm not sure I fully understand in the first place.

I suppose the only thing to do is to take the bull by the horns and begin to write. I have no excuses to put it off any longer, and what's the worst that could happen? I could break a nail or have a breakthrough! I guess this means full speed ahead.

Taking a quick blog break...

Things have been extremely busy in the last month or so...school work has been an all-encompassing occupation, along with the final few meetings of my Intro to Judaism class. My major paper of the semester is written and Sunday will be the final class and final exam for Intro, so I am taking a much-needed break and trying to catch up a bit on my favorite blogs. No blogging experience would be complete without checking out this week's Haveil Havilim, hosted currently at Ima on the Bima's blog. It was through HH that I found this gem of Passover hilarity:

The Facebook Passover Haggadah

Huge hat-tip to the Tikkun Olam blog for this post, which brightened my afternoon considerably. There are several other wonderful posts in this week's HH, so please go check them out!

Getting out of my head

I had something of a revelation today. Yesterday my rabbi recommended a combined relaxation and meditation exercise before reciting the Shema at night. I didn't think much about it, but thought it would be a nice way to prepare myself mentally for rest while adding to my Jewish practice.

Today two people touched me through words and experiences, making me realize that while I was nodding along and adding the meditation and Shema to my mental "to do" list, I wasn't feeling it.

First, I was told by a dear friend that she is amazed by me for the religious search I've undertaken, and the type of faith that requires. It seemed to her that it would take a great deal of fortitude to do that, and of course she's right. In order to stay the course, I will be facing many challenges above and beyond what I've dealt with to this point. But more than that, I need to nuture what she would call my "faith," my connection with G-d and the Jewish community.

Second, tonight I paid a visit to a favorite blog of mine, Amanda's Just Call me Chaviva. Since I've been busy trying to catch my own tail lately, I haven't been able to keep up with all of the blogs that I normally find time for. I had several posts to catch up on, and one of them was a beautiful slideshow of a B'nai Mitzvah ceremony held on Masada in Israel, in which Chavi took part. The pictures were very moving, and I found myself with a lump in my throat at one point. When did I come to identify with these people in tallitot and kippot so strongly? I'm sure it's been a gradual process over the last year and some, but it just hit me all of a sudden that I was no longer feeling an outsider to this, I was viewing this through the inside lens.

It was in that moment of emotional identification and happiness for the joy on the face of Chavi that I realized I have been spending most of the last year operating from my head, not my heart. "Judaism" had become a cerebral exercise, something to conquer, a deadline to meet. I had lost that particular joy that first drew me to temple, that feeling of the awareness of Shabbat, the comfort in the sound of the prayers, the warmth of the shared Kiddush and Oneg Shabbat. I let things get in the way of my attendence at temple, and while I was still observing Shabbat by lighting candles, and saying blessings and kindling the Chanukah lights, it was still not reaching my heart.

Seeing the shared joy of the b'nei mitzvah on Masada, the austere beauty of the land of Israel, and the striking colors of the flag contrasting with earth reminded me of what I am missing. Now that I have felt the brush of that emotion again, perhaps I will be better able to find it in the future. You can be sure I'll be examining the state of my kavanah, my intent, as I go forward in my daily practice. This isn't a class exercise, it's life and connection. Just as with an electrical circuit, I have to be fully plugged in to make the connection work. Here's hoping.

A visit of happiness...

As reported on the Muqata's liveblogging for today (yesterday, Israel time), the Breslovers paid a visit to Israeli soldiers.

If you're unaware of the Breslovers/Breslevers, also known as Na Nachers, here's a small piece of information from the Wikipedia article:

Na Nach Nachma Nachman Meuman (Hebrew: נ נח נחמ נחמן מאומן‎) is a Hebrew language mantra used by some sub-groups of the Breslov group of Hasidic Jews. The complete phrase is Na Nach Nachma Nachman Me'uman. It is a sound poem based on the four Hebrew letters of the name Nachman, referring to the founder of the Breslov movement, Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, along with a reference to his burial place in Uman, Ukraine.

One teaching of the Breslover Rebbe was that it was a mitzvah to be happy always, thus the connection of happiness with the Na Nachers. For me, it's just wonderful to see a show of support on film rather than rockets, bomb shelters, or casualties.

Please keep all involved in your thoughts and prayers.

A beautiful image

Found through this week's Haveil Havalim #200: The Harvey Edition over at Jack's, originally blogged by NY's Funniest Rabbi... an image of hope.

And I'm not the only one...

Just after I published the quick post about my stand on the Matzav below, I did what I've been doing since the first announcement of Israel's Gaza campaign: move through every J-blog I have on favorites, and then click links like a mad woman to get as much info as possible.

How could I have forgotten to link to some of the wonderful bloggers who are making my up-to-dateness possible?

First, Leah shares that she, too, is standing with Israel...admittedly, last Friday well before I made that statement. Amazing how these things come together!

Second, this week's HH was hosted at Ima's blog...appropriately titled "The We Can't Stop Twittering/Blogging/Reading/Worrying/Watching/What's Going On in Israel Right Now Edition.... or....The Stuck To My BlackBerry Like Glue Edition.... "

A huge feature on Haveil Havalim is the blog of Jack, where he has posted myriad roundups and updates on the Gaza offensive...an excellent resource for information. (That's 16 links from "roundups" on...as I said, truly a wealth of information).

With all the blogging going on, of course there are what Jack politely terms "the opposition." Frume Sarah received a trollish comment, but rather than simply deleting she went one better...she answered him/her, point for point.

And my favorite blog, to which I have returned again and again. This woman speaks with poignancy about her son Elie, who serves in the IDF artillery. She calls herself simply, A Soldier's Mother.

Please check all of these links and follow up...Israel is not a terrorist state, she's a state under fire, acting as humanely as possible given the circumstances.

Thank you to all the bloggers who have made this possible, those listed, and those they link. Shalom.

Israel

I have been part of a discussion about the Matzav...the current "situation" in Gaza. In a way, it's very painful. The woman I find myself "facing off" with is a dear friend who has been a wonderful support since I first began thinking of conversion, and who has been of the same mind for many of the political discussions this group of ladies has had over the past few years. I find myself wanting so much to agree with her, but I can't. She has a personal connection with a Palestinian family in a refugee camp in the north, and that fuels her end of the discussion. Since it's very immediate for her, she is very emotional about the situation, and I can feel that as she makes her points.

I can't argue with personal experience, but I know, too, that one person's or one family's experiences do not give a full account. The actions of individuals are not the actions of a country, and while certainly even the country may have made decisions that were poorly thought out and which lead to individual heartache, it does not immediately follow that the current situation is therefore evil and wrong. War is not fair, it is does not take account of persons, and it does lead to death and destruction. That is the nature of war. When a group knowingly instigates a country into self-protection, the people who are led by or who protect and sanction that group can't cry foul because they aren't themselves a part of that group.

As I find myself becoming a part of this family, Bnei Yisrael, I recall the sentiment that "blood is thicker than water." I stand up for Israel, because Israel is us. Hamas and other Islamist groups aren't simply "standing up for their rights." They want to push Israel and her people off the map entirely.

I feel for the Palestinian people who are suffering through this, for those who have been killed, and those who have lost. But my heart is with Israel. With her I will stand.

How the cookie crumbles

I love cookies, especially if they're Stars of David. This being the area that it is, I thought these certainly would be called "snowflakes" to make them more palatable to the Christian community, but I was pleasantly surprised. My son and I don't have exactly discerning tastes, so we have been eating them with relish. My daughter, between having a head cold and not being as susceptible to sugar as we are, decided she doesn't like them. What can you do?

This has been an interesting year and seems as though it will be an interesting holiday season as well. Since my daughter is in first grade, the class is branching out to discuss the different heritages of the class and their holiday traditions. They even had a brief lesson on Chanukah, during which she found she was the only student who knew that Chanukah lasts eight nights and involves the lighting of the menorah. I can't say that she really knows or understands much more than the basics of Chanukah, but it was thrilling to see her bounding in from school, bursting to tell me that she had known something about being Jewish. When will it be the right time to discuss the religious make up of this family? The time may come sooner than later, as more people take note that we light a menorah or overhear her practicing her blessings. Every now and again I can overhear a quiet "Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu..." For me, it's wonderful to know that she is interested and embracing Judaism along with me. It would be even more wonderful and I think peaceful if we were settled and secure in our identity as Jews. I made an agreement with my husband that I wouldn't take any additional steps beyond learning while he was deployed, so that surety is a ways off. I am looking forward to the day when I can walk up to my rabbi and say, "It is time...I am ready." Until then, the children and I will continue to walk in the balance and wait.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I am enjoying these Introduction to Judaism classes so much! It's a chance to discuss different basic topics. A time to ask the nagging little questions that I can never think of when I run into the rabbi at other times, and which are too small to bother with sending an email to ask. It's also a great way to exchange and compare ideas with others, as well as just sharing time with friends.

Another great feature of these Sunday afternoons is being able to find one on one time with the rabbi if I need it. Last Sunday was one of those days, although talking with him was unintentional until I realized my worries about my mother were already pouring out to his sympathetic ear. My rabbi is a very easy person to share with, although no conversation ends without being given something to think about and turn over in my mind.

What stuck with me from this conversation was his gentle questioning on how my faith journey is coming. With so much going on over the past few months, I have to admit my movement has come to a standstill. I am forever questioning myself whether I still believe converting is the right thing to do for myself, but also for my family. We have so many stressors right now that I don't feel at liberty to simply throw another one into the mix and hope the batter doesn't go flying. Thankfully, Rabbi understands and agrees with my assessment. He said something about things not progressing swiftly, and I agreed that that was not in the cards, to which he nodded. In this case, it is not the best thing to be the swiftest. Just as I read to my children, slow and steady will win the race. With a supportive group of people to cheer me on, I have no doubt that will be true.

A day late, a dollar short...

Veterans Day was yesterday, but today was the day my daughter's school set aside for honoring all the veterans who are either family, friends, or neighbors of the students. My daughter and another little girl got a special surprise in the form of a webcam conversation with both their fathers, who are serving together in a unit in the National Guard. Apparently there were tears on both sides of the screen, but the excitement of seeing her father for the first time in over a month was well worth it.

I hate to harp on something so simple, especially when military families seem to do so every time we turn around. I suppose I could say it bears repeating, but in all honesty I'm just expressing my heartfelt emotions when I say that the families sacrifice, too. Our soldiers willingly admit that they couldn't do what they do in service to our country if they didn't have those loyal, loving supporters back home waiting for them. I don't think that most military spouses and families are looking for sympathy or a pat on the back...frankly, that's annoying. However, until going through a deployment I had no idea how true the axiom is, that you can't really understand until you experience the situation. The depth of sorrow when explaining to a child how exactly the military will [hopefully not need to] notify her of her father's death is one that can't be plumbed without experience. How do you hold a child night after night as she cries herself to sleep, and continue to hold yourself together?

Being a spouse and not a military member, I know the softer side of deployment. Knowing how difficult it is for the families watching and waiting, I gain new appreciation of how much more difficult it must be for the military members who not only are missing their family and friends, but also all the comforts of home and the sense of security knowing that no one will bomb the neighborhood at night. I haven't experienced it to know in part or in full what the soldiers, airmen, sailors, and Marines feel, and I'm thankful in a way that their service makes mine on the home front, rather than the battle front, possible.

To all those who have served or are serving our country in any capacity, thank you. To all those who have supported those who serve, thank you as well.

My, My, My...

Yes, I'm from the South, as you may have gathered from my title. I do say things such as "my goodness!" and "weyll" (speakers of proper English may know that word by its proper spelling, "well." But when gusting it out as a tired exclamation, there's another syllable added). This is all appropos of nothing, but now you know.

So much has been going on in my life since I last blogged, I don't know where to begin. Without a reliable babysitter my evening service attendance has become non-existent. I'm very sad and frustrated about that, especially since it's been a year since I began attending services. It just seemed appropriate to attend on the same chag on which I started: Simchat Torah. As always, life seems to get in the way when you don't make special arrangements for priorities.

My husband has been gone two and a half of the nearly 18 months he'll be serving. My mother has taken a turn for the worse and will be moved to a nursing home as soon as her mental state is stabilized in the hospital. The dementia which has been slowly affecting her over the past several years has advanced to the stage where she doesn't recognize me or my children, and she's become very volatile and agitated. This move is probably the best thing for the entire family, as she'll be able to receive better care in a professional setting, and my father and younger brother will be able to lead semi-normal lives once again. The strain of the situation on my father is difficult to express, but I'm glad he's able to find peace in his decision.

I continue in my studies, both in school and shul. We are taking a break from our Intro to Judaism class after the High Holy Days, but I was able to meet up with a friend from class to discuss the Torah portion Noach, as well as the election, which at the time was days away. As for that, I can only say I'm glad the campaign is over; now may the work begin!

Preparations are underway for Thanksgiving and soon the winter holiday season will be upon us. I am having trouble pulling myself out of the tired funk I've fallen into. I spend too much time up late at night trying to play catch-up on all the things I probably should have had time for earlier in the day...but yet they remain unfinished. It doesn't help that a mother's work is never done--there's a constant round of laundry, especially since flu season hit us early and hard this year. My poor son has had to deal with several bouts of stomach ailments in the past couple weeks. Good thing the little guy is tough as nails. If only I were!

This has been a bit of a stream-of-consciousness post, but I just don't have a strong topic to write on right now. Must be the exhaustion you only get staying up all night rubbing backs and smoothing hair off fevered foreheads. I hope everyone else is healthy and well...time to enjoy the last few days of fall before the cold weather really hits!

I'm back!

It has been over a month since I've blogged anything, and the need to blog has been building up over the past couple of weeks. I spent the last weeks of August trying to soak up all the time with my husband that I could, and after he left trying to adjust to being an ersatz single mom and college student. By the early middle of this month I had gotten mostly into the swing of things...thankfully, because I added another ball to the round I was already juggling: Intro to Judaism. I can't tell you how excited and thrilled I am to be taking this course. My rabbi has a wonderful speaking presence, and he really pulls us into his discussion as he explains the focal point of the week. Of course, we have several people, myself included, who can manage to get us all off track, but we're still learning even in that.

This past session was on Rosh Hashanah, very appropriate for this week. We enjoyed challah, apples, honey, and apple cake as we discussed the meaning of the holiday and the Yamim No'arim, the Days of Awe leading from Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur. Although I have a basic understanding of the holidays, it's still a joy to be able to share the experience and learning with others.

Tonight I was able to pass that joy on to my children. I actually baked a round challah myself, and we had it along with a sliced apple and some honey. My daughter was all smiles as we lit the candles, recited the blessings, and talked about the meaning of the New Year. My son had a little trouble understanding that this was not the same as the secular New Year, but he enjoyed the honey and challah regardless.

So, that is my update. I hope to be able to spend a little more time keeping up with my blogging, and I'm sure the class will give me even more to think and blog about.

L'Shanah Tovah!

Blogging without Obligation

I came across this little logo on another blog tonight. I had actually been intending to write a blog about how I was so busy, I didn't have time to really blog...and then I read this. I think sometimes we push ourselves to find things that are blog-worthy just so we don't lose the interest of others. I know I've thought to myself, "I really need to blog again...how long has it been?" But with so many other "real" obligations in life, why do I need yet another one hanging over my head? We are down to countable days before my husband is mobilized for his deployment, and a week before my daughter and I start back to our schools. I'm trying to enjoy this time as much as possible by staying up until the sun has set, sleeping in until the children rise, and doing as many things as we can fit into a day. There is paperwork to sign and file, people to visit, places to go, food to eat...and yet the best time is that spent quietly together as a couple and a family, cuddled in our bed with the world and its problems far away from our sunny summer mornings.

Mondays will be back. Rain and chilly weather will come. There will be a time when there is no one to talk with and my blog may be my best confidante. But until that time comes, the blog will wait, because time will not.

I hope you're all having a good last few weeks of summer...squeeze it all in, wring every last drop from it, and save the light of fireflies in a jar until the time for lighting rows of candles has come again. Shalom!

Night

I read the book Night years ago. Our seventh grade teachers worked together to create a history and English collective unit which would address the Holocaust and our literary goals at the same time. It's amazing how a month or two of intensive study of a single topic can impact one's view of the world for a lifetime. Perhaps the reason behind that is the topic itself: the Holocaust.

Most of the history classes I've taken have given a brief overview of the Holocaust. It's assumed that everyone simply knows about it, having picked up the knowledge through osmosis in our culture. Who doesn't recognize the names Mengele, Eichmann, Himmler, Goering, or Hitler? Who hasn't seen Schindler's List and doesn't remember the little girl in red? Who hasn't read or seen The Diary of Anne Frank? Who hasn't heard of Auschwitz-Birkenau, Buchenwald, Dachau, Treblinka, or Sobibor?

Perhaps these names and images are so familiar to me because of that unit, but a long time has passed between then and now. As I'm reading in preparation for conversion, I'm viewing these places, people, and events with the eyes of an adult, a parent, and a Jew. Rather than thinking as I did then how thankful I was not to have been in jeopardy, I think "What if this happens again? What am I exposing myself and my children to?" The largest question looming, overarching, is "Is this worth it?"

No one wants to face such things. No one wants to put their children in harm's way. It's startling to think that I have the power of choice, when so many millions did not. It's humbling, it's frightening, and at times it feels shameful. How dare I ask myself these things, when others are simply born into it, and live as they are? Is it selfish to want to protect my children when so many others wanted the same and had no say? How could it not be?

I will never be a replacement for all those who were lost. That's simply not possible, unthinkable. How can I honor their memory? According to Elie Wiesel, we honor their memory by not letting it die. We must continue to share their stories, to remember what befell them, and to make sure that it never happens again, to anyone.

Hard Questions

I think as readers we can look at this and think further on it. Before converting, we should ask ourselves, Is a Jewish life something I want for myself always, or just in this specific situation (e.g. with this particular person)? If the answer is yes to the former, then by all means proceed. But if Judaism for us is only relevant in the context of being with one person, we should reconsider. Another question might be, Do I have a warm, healthy, supportive community of which I want to be a part, so that if my spouse were to die (lo aleinu), or depart, I would want to remain a part of this community, and perhaps someday find someone else to live with me as part of this community (or one similar to it)? It’s important for us to be happy with our lives apart from where we are with a particular partner. So many people who divorce or are widowed make major changes in their lives afterwards. Maybe that’s helpful to them, or necessary in moving on from their grief, or because they’ve always wanted to do things differently and finally have the liberty and incentive to make those changes. But Judaism is not a hairstyle or a neighborhood or a career; it’s a community, and a relationship with God. I still wouldn’t judge someone who felt he or she had to make a major change even there, but it’s really sad to see someone who invested the time and all the changes she had to make in her life to bring in Judaism, then decide to abandon it.

This is an excerpt from a comment to a blog post made by Shimshonit on JBC.org. It's interesting to me, because the discussion was focused on Orthodox conversions and the opinions of Rabbi Stewart Weiss on his converts' zeal for Judaism (or lack thereof). The comments to the blog really reflected the experiences of the commenters more than the actual content of the post itself as discussion turned to women's roles within Orthodox shuls reflecting their desire to be Jewish (or not). Obviously the conversation took many twists and turns, and is impossible to fully sum up here, so I'd suggest reading the actual blog if you're interested in more.

I just found myself struck more by this paragraph from Shimshonit's response more than anything else. "Is a Jewish life something I want for myself always, or just in this specific situation?" Obviously my circumstances aren't the same as those discussed in the blog, where a woman converts because her potential marriage partner is Jewish...in fact, quite the opposite! I'm converting despite the fact that my marriage partner is NOT Jewish. But the situation still begs the question, is it just for this situation? Am I converting because of a lack of something in my life? Out of boredom? Because I'm difficult like that? Is this something I would abandon later because I grew tired of fighting my family over it, or is this something I so strongly identify with that I would never abandon it?

Shimshonit is quite right: Judaism is not a hairstyle, a neighborhood, or a career. Although Shim may have meant that in the sense that wearing ones' hair in an specific manner, living in the "right" neighborhood, or choosing a career based on Jewish background does not make one a Jew, I also read that to mean that Judaism is not a simple change that can be changed back through a new haircut, a move, or a career change. Once you join a community and form a relationship with them and more importantly with God, how can you abandon that? Right now my focus is necessarily on my relationship with God...who is He, and who am I in light of that? Once I come to a sort of comfort with what I believe about both of those things, will that change, or will it be firmly placed?

I don't face the same circumstances as a woman converting, but as Shimshonit said, I must ask myself these hard questions nonetheless.

The Five Minute Shower Challenge

If you look to the right, you'll see I've added a button titled "I'm having a Quickie." I would tell you not to blush, but I'm sure I'm more prudish than most of my (limited) readership, so I'll just explain.

As a military spouse I've found it's not good to be alone, either in real life or here in La-la-land. I'm very blessed in that I have a wonderful, close-knit group of online friends who help each other get through the hard times and celebrate the good times of being married to the military. Not only do we ooh and aah over babies and cry over deployments, we also talk about our everyday lives. One of our most recent topics of conversation has been about being "green" in whatever ways we can find. You could say we're a more crunchy-granola group than some, I suppose. Which means finding the Crunchy Domestic Goddess fit in perfectly with what we'd been discussing already, and I am more than willing to take up the challenge of a five minute shower each day. As I told the ladies, the kids don't let me get by with more than three to five minutes most days, anyway...hopefully this will be a piece of cake!

Military spouse or not, I encourage you to consider taking up this challenge...or setting one of your own, for recycling, driving less, or reusing more. Every little bit adds up and makes a difference.

The Nature of the Balancing Act

Moshe Chaim Luzzatto, also known by the Hebrew acronym RaMCHaL, wrote in Derekh Hashem (The Way of G-d) "Man is the creature created for the purpose of being drawn close to G-d. He is placed between perfection and deficiency, with the power to earn perfection. Man must earn this perfection, however, through his own free will... Man's inclinations are therefore balanced between good (Yetzer HaTov) and evil (Yetzer HaRa), and he is not compelled toward either of them. He has the power of choice and is able to choose either side knowingly and willingly..."

Source: Wikipedia

It's interesting how much my thoughts are influenced by Jewish concepts now. My husband's deployment is nearing, which leads to many stressful situations and a lot of tension in our household. Shalom beit has left the building...

As I was thinking about how I normally think and respond when faced with these situations (aside: who knew there would be a real-life reason to use the term "metacognition?"), I realized I'm starting to see a split between my first inclination to react, and my thoughts on how I should react knowing the circumstances influencing each of us. That thought led to a rumination on the nature of being, and the yetzer hatov and yetzer hara.

After laughing at myself for being so immersed in my own mind that I had stood with my hands in a sinkful of soapy dishes without washing more than two in ten minutes, I launched into more thoughts on how much my thought patterns have changed over the course of the year. It's natural for a Jewish concept of human nature to occur, rather than the usual Christian approach that I naturally jump to the negative reaction because I'm born evil and broken and obviously need saving and "washing in the blood." The Jewish approach is much more forgiving, yet also more realistic than, say, the basic tabula rasa approach.

I have to question how anyone could look at a child and say that the in-born selfishness they exhibit at a year old consigns them to hellfire. Are they influenced by a bent which puts others behind self, of course! This is why the idea of yetzer hatov developing later (and around the time that developmental psychology says judgement and higher thinking are developing) makes so much sense and is so much more acceptable to my mind. Of course, I realize my mind isn't enough to base a belief system on (wouldn't it be nice if I were on that level of function!), but in order for me to accept a belief system as my own and to live my life accordingly, I have to find it compelling and reasonable. As with a scientific hypothesis and theory, when evidence leans more to one hypothesis than another, we accept the one that best explains the evidence...we don't twist the evidence to match our firm thoughts.

My husband would tell me I'm missing the entire point of faith and belief. Perhaps he's right. But if all I had was blind faith, what would keep me elbow-high in dishes?