What caused the change?

Why would someone who seems so settled, so grounded, so rooted in their beliefs suddenly toss it all out the window and begin again, nearly from scratch?

I don't know the answer to that. I couldn't tell you what it was that made me suddenly question Jesus as the Messiah, although I can tell you that having someone knowledgeable question your beliefs is a sure cause for self-reflection if you are trying to keep an open mind. On a suggestion from a friend, I read the book Why the Jews Rejected Jesus, and did my best to keep an open mind and heart. On one level, it would be too easy to simply throw the baby out with the bathwater and say that all religions are fairytales for the weak who need a crutch. On another level, however, I cannot make myself believe that there is no G-d. I just can't do it.

Being raised a Christian, I was told that Christianity is Judaism updated. In order to feel comfortable in what I believe, I didn't want to accept what ministers say as "gospel" without at least making an effort to check out their statements. In speaking with a rabbi (who was to become my rabbi), he quickly moved to disabuse me of the thought that Christianity shared anything more than the most basic roots with modern-day, rabbinical Judaism. As I began to read more and delve more into the history and culture of Judaism and Christianity, I am finding I agree with him whole-heartedly. Although Christians may have taken the "Old Testament" (Tanakh) for their own, they moved quickly to distance themselves from its teachings. Paul the "good Jew" turns the Tanakh on its head, abolishing halakhic principles as they apply to Christians, gentile or Jew. Although Jesus claimed he "came not to abolish the Law (Torah), but to fulfill it," Paul seems to think his own brand of Christianity is preferable to Christ's.

This is but one of the many reasons I find Christianity to be more and more difficult to uphold intellectually...to my own mind. It's difficult to express to others, especially Christians whom I respect and don't want to put on the defensive. At the same time, I come across as wishy-washy at best, and mentally defective at worst, when I can't explain to friends and family why I am following this path.

And why am I following this path? I feel led, drawn to Judaism in a way I can't explain. I've always felt drawn to the Hebrews, the Israelites, the Chosen People...but why? My husband says it's because I want to be "chosen" as well. Perhaps that's a good psychologial point. I do have memories of jealousy for being a Christian and not one of the Chosen (this of course was long in the past, before I was old enough to learn about the Holocaust, the Expulsions, the pogroms, the ghettos, and the rampant anti-Semitism that came along with the "chosenness"). On the other hand, why have I always yearned to be Jewish, beyond that childhood desire? Even while emotionally quaking at the stories of the Holocaust, I felt connected to these people...was it because of my own German background that made me feel a residual guilt on behalf of my possible kinsmen? Or was it because, as some tradition claims, all Jewish souls, born or convert, past, present, or future, were present at Sinai for the handing down of the Law and the covenant? Was I born with a kabbalistic divine spark that forever calls to me to become one with the people from whom I've been inadvertently separated?

All of this could simply be considered useless navel-gazing, but it is something which has been troubling me for months now. There is never a good time to get all of the questions and concerns out, but perhaps someone else in Internet land feels similarly to what I feel. If so, I have sympathy for your soul-searching, your desire for something that's difficult to name, your wish to find that place and that peace that makes you feel whole.

~R