Searching for "right," asking questions, and being hard-headed

Mark Fish is a recent convert to Judaism.“I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian home,” explains Fish. “You were not allowed to challenge the Bible. Asking questions was not encouraged. Answers were given to you as fact. And this was a major problem for me.”Fish, who participated with a “Jews for Jesus” evangelical group, was introduced to Judaism through efforts in converting Jews to Christianity.

This is an excerpt from an article in the Gay and Lesbian Times which I found by reading a J-blogger, Tamara Eden . (Yes, indeed, I have too much time on my hands!) Although I haven't participated in a "Jews for Jesus" evangelism campaign, his description of his family is almost exactly what I could say about my own. Challenging what the minister said, or more importantly what my father said, was strictly out of the question. Being a hard-headed and strong-willed child (and adult), this is something that I just can't abide...I have to question. I also have to have answers, somehow. When I first sat down with my rabbi one-on-one, he asked that I share a bit about my background. On learning that I had a grounding in the Christian church, he of course questioned what could be fueling my seeking within the walls of his shul. He asked "what do you want out of this?" With tears in my eyes, I said, "To know. Just to know what's right."

So I continue to search for that. As my rabbi pointed out, we can never really know. He feels that Judaism helps us to deal with the "not knowing," and perhaps that will be enough for me. Until I reach that point, I continue to search, continue to seek, and continue to hope that I will find my way.