How the cookie crumbles

I love cookies, especially if they're Stars of David. This being the area that it is, I thought these certainly would be called "snowflakes" to make them more palatable to the Christian community, but I was pleasantly surprised. My son and I don't have exactly discerning tastes, so we have been eating them with relish. My daughter, between having a head cold and not being as susceptible to sugar as we are, decided she doesn't like them. What can you do?

This has been an interesting year and seems as though it will be an interesting holiday season as well. Since my daughter is in first grade, the class is branching out to discuss the different heritages of the class and their holiday traditions. They even had a brief lesson on Chanukah, during which she found she was the only student who knew that Chanukah lasts eight nights and involves the lighting of the menorah. I can't say that she really knows or understands much more than the basics of Chanukah, but it was thrilling to see her bounding in from school, bursting to tell me that she had known something about being Jewish. When will it be the right time to discuss the religious make up of this family? The time may come sooner than later, as more people take note that we light a menorah or overhear her practicing her blessings. Every now and again I can overhear a quiet "Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu..." For me, it's wonderful to know that she is interested and embracing Judaism along with me. It would be even more wonderful and I think peaceful if we were settled and secure in our identity as Jews. I made an agreement with my husband that I wouldn't take any additional steps beyond learning while he was deployed, so that surety is a ways off. I am looking forward to the day when I can walk up to my rabbi and say, "It is time...I am ready." Until then, the children and I will continue to walk in the balance and wait.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I am enjoying these Introduction to Judaism classes so much! It's a chance to discuss different basic topics. A time to ask the nagging little questions that I can never think of when I run into the rabbi at other times, and which are too small to bother with sending an email to ask. It's also a great way to exchange and compare ideas with others, as well as just sharing time with friends.

Another great feature of these Sunday afternoons is being able to find one on one time with the rabbi if I need it. Last Sunday was one of those days, although talking with him was unintentional until I realized my worries about my mother were already pouring out to his sympathetic ear. My rabbi is a very easy person to share with, although no conversation ends without being given something to think about and turn over in my mind.

What stuck with me from this conversation was his gentle questioning on how my faith journey is coming. With so much going on over the past few months, I have to admit my movement has come to a standstill. I am forever questioning myself whether I still believe converting is the right thing to do for myself, but also for my family. We have so many stressors right now that I don't feel at liberty to simply throw another one into the mix and hope the batter doesn't go flying. Thankfully, Rabbi understands and agrees with my assessment. He said something about things not progressing swiftly, and I agreed that that was not in the cards, to which he nodded. In this case, it is not the best thing to be the swiftest. Just as I read to my children, slow and steady will win the race. With a supportive group of people to cheer me on, I have no doubt that will be true.

A day late, a dollar short...

Veterans Day was yesterday, but today was the day my daughter's school set aside for honoring all the veterans who are either family, friends, or neighbors of the students. My daughter and another little girl got a special surprise in the form of a webcam conversation with both their fathers, who are serving together in a unit in the National Guard. Apparently there were tears on both sides of the screen, but the excitement of seeing her father for the first time in over a month was well worth it.

I hate to harp on something so simple, especially when military families seem to do so every time we turn around. I suppose I could say it bears repeating, but in all honesty I'm just expressing my heartfelt emotions when I say that the families sacrifice, too. Our soldiers willingly admit that they couldn't do what they do in service to our country if they didn't have those loyal, loving supporters back home waiting for them. I don't think that most military spouses and families are looking for sympathy or a pat on the back...frankly, that's annoying. However, until going through a deployment I had no idea how true the axiom is, that you can't really understand until you experience the situation. The depth of sorrow when explaining to a child how exactly the military will [hopefully not need to] notify her of her father's death is one that can't be plumbed without experience. How do you hold a child night after night as she cries herself to sleep, and continue to hold yourself together?

Being a spouse and not a military member, I know the softer side of deployment. Knowing how difficult it is for the families watching and waiting, I gain new appreciation of how much more difficult it must be for the military members who not only are missing their family and friends, but also all the comforts of home and the sense of security knowing that no one will bomb the neighborhood at night. I haven't experienced it to know in part or in full what the soldiers, airmen, sailors, and Marines feel, and I'm thankful in a way that their service makes mine on the home front, rather than the battle front, possible.

To all those who have served or are serving our country in any capacity, thank you. To all those who have supported those who serve, thank you as well.

My, My, My...

Yes, I'm from the South, as you may have gathered from my title. I do say things such as "my goodness!" and "weyll" (speakers of proper English may know that word by its proper spelling, "well." But when gusting it out as a tired exclamation, there's another syllable added). This is all appropos of nothing, but now you know.

So much has been going on in my life since I last blogged, I don't know where to begin. Without a reliable babysitter my evening service attendance has become non-existent. I'm very sad and frustrated about that, especially since it's been a year since I began attending services. It just seemed appropriate to attend on the same chag on which I started: Simchat Torah. As always, life seems to get in the way when you don't make special arrangements for priorities.

My husband has been gone two and a half of the nearly 18 months he'll be serving. My mother has taken a turn for the worse and will be moved to a nursing home as soon as her mental state is stabilized in the hospital. The dementia which has been slowly affecting her over the past several years has advanced to the stage where she doesn't recognize me or my children, and she's become very volatile and agitated. This move is probably the best thing for the entire family, as she'll be able to receive better care in a professional setting, and my father and younger brother will be able to lead semi-normal lives once again. The strain of the situation on my father is difficult to express, but I'm glad he's able to find peace in his decision.

I continue in my studies, both in school and shul. We are taking a break from our Intro to Judaism class after the High Holy Days, but I was able to meet up with a friend from class to discuss the Torah portion Noach, as well as the election, which at the time was days away. As for that, I can only say I'm glad the campaign is over; now may the work begin!

Preparations are underway for Thanksgiving and soon the winter holiday season will be upon us. I am having trouble pulling myself out of the tired funk I've fallen into. I spend too much time up late at night trying to play catch-up on all the things I probably should have had time for earlier in the day...but yet they remain unfinished. It doesn't help that a mother's work is never done--there's a constant round of laundry, especially since flu season hit us early and hard this year. My poor son has had to deal with several bouts of stomach ailments in the past couple weeks. Good thing the little guy is tough as nails. If only I were!

This has been a bit of a stream-of-consciousness post, but I just don't have a strong topic to write on right now. Must be the exhaustion you only get staying up all night rubbing backs and smoothing hair off fevered foreheads. I hope everyone else is healthy and well...time to enjoy the last few days of fall before the cold weather really hits!

I'm back!

It has been over a month since I've blogged anything, and the need to blog has been building up over the past couple of weeks. I spent the last weeks of August trying to soak up all the time with my husband that I could, and after he left trying to adjust to being an ersatz single mom and college student. By the early middle of this month I had gotten mostly into the swing of things...thankfully, because I added another ball to the round I was already juggling: Intro to Judaism. I can't tell you how excited and thrilled I am to be taking this course. My rabbi has a wonderful speaking presence, and he really pulls us into his discussion as he explains the focal point of the week. Of course, we have several people, myself included, who can manage to get us all off track, but we're still learning even in that.

This past session was on Rosh Hashanah, very appropriate for this week. We enjoyed challah, apples, honey, and apple cake as we discussed the meaning of the holiday and the Yamim No'arim, the Days of Awe leading from Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur. Although I have a basic understanding of the holidays, it's still a joy to be able to share the experience and learning with others.

Tonight I was able to pass that joy on to my children. I actually baked a round challah myself, and we had it along with a sliced apple and some honey. My daughter was all smiles as we lit the candles, recited the blessings, and talked about the meaning of the New Year. My son had a little trouble understanding that this was not the same as the secular New Year, but he enjoyed the honey and challah regardless.

So, that is my update. I hope to be able to spend a little more time keeping up with my blogging, and I'm sure the class will give me even more to think and blog about.

L'Shanah Tovah!

Blogging without Obligation

I came across this little logo on another blog tonight. I had actually been intending to write a blog about how I was so busy, I didn't have time to really blog...and then I read this. I think sometimes we push ourselves to find things that are blog-worthy just so we don't lose the interest of others. I know I've thought to myself, "I really need to blog again...how long has it been?" But with so many other "real" obligations in life, why do I need yet another one hanging over my head? We are down to countable days before my husband is mobilized for his deployment, and a week before my daughter and I start back to our schools. I'm trying to enjoy this time as much as possible by staying up until the sun has set, sleeping in until the children rise, and doing as many things as we can fit into a day. There is paperwork to sign and file, people to visit, places to go, food to eat...and yet the best time is that spent quietly together as a couple and a family, cuddled in our bed with the world and its problems far away from our sunny summer mornings.

Mondays will be back. Rain and chilly weather will come. There will be a time when there is no one to talk with and my blog may be my best confidante. But until that time comes, the blog will wait, because time will not.

I hope you're all having a good last few weeks of summer...squeeze it all in, wring every last drop from it, and save the light of fireflies in a jar until the time for lighting rows of candles has come again. Shalom!

Night

I read the book Night years ago. Our seventh grade teachers worked together to create a history and English collective unit which would address the Holocaust and our literary goals at the same time. It's amazing how a month or two of intensive study of a single topic can impact one's view of the world for a lifetime. Perhaps the reason behind that is the topic itself: the Holocaust.

Most of the history classes I've taken have given a brief overview of the Holocaust. It's assumed that everyone simply knows about it, having picked up the knowledge through osmosis in our culture. Who doesn't recognize the names Mengele, Eichmann, Himmler, Goering, or Hitler? Who hasn't seen Schindler's List and doesn't remember the little girl in red? Who hasn't read or seen The Diary of Anne Frank? Who hasn't heard of Auschwitz-Birkenau, Buchenwald, Dachau, Treblinka, or Sobibor?

Perhaps these names and images are so familiar to me because of that unit, but a long time has passed between then and now. As I'm reading in preparation for conversion, I'm viewing these places, people, and events with the eyes of an adult, a parent, and a Jew. Rather than thinking as I did then how thankful I was not to have been in jeopardy, I think "What if this happens again? What am I exposing myself and my children to?" The largest question looming, overarching, is "Is this worth it?"

No one wants to face such things. No one wants to put their children in harm's way. It's startling to think that I have the power of choice, when so many millions did not. It's humbling, it's frightening, and at times it feels shameful. How dare I ask myself these things, when others are simply born into it, and live as they are? Is it selfish to want to protect my children when so many others wanted the same and had no say? How could it not be?

I will never be a replacement for all those who were lost. That's simply not possible, unthinkable. How can I honor their memory? According to Elie Wiesel, we honor their memory by not letting it die. We must continue to share their stories, to remember what befell them, and to make sure that it never happens again, to anyone.