Getting out of my head

I had something of a revelation today. Yesterday my rabbi recommended a combined relaxation and meditation exercise before reciting the Shema at night. I didn't think much about it, but thought it would be a nice way to prepare myself mentally for rest while adding to my Jewish practice.

Today two people touched me through words and experiences, making me realize that while I was nodding along and adding the meditation and Shema to my mental "to do" list, I wasn't feeling it.

First, I was told by a dear friend that she is amazed by me for the religious search I've undertaken, and the type of faith that requires. It seemed to her that it would take a great deal of fortitude to do that, and of course she's right. In order to stay the course, I will be facing many challenges above and beyond what I've dealt with to this point. But more than that, I need to nuture what she would call my "faith," my connection with G-d and the Jewish community.

Second, tonight I paid a visit to a favorite blog of mine, Amanda's Just Call me Chaviva. Since I've been busy trying to catch my own tail lately, I haven't been able to keep up with all of the blogs that I normally find time for. I had several posts to catch up on, and one of them was a beautiful slideshow of a B'nai Mitzvah ceremony held on Masada in Israel, in which Chavi took part. The pictures were very moving, and I found myself with a lump in my throat at one point. When did I come to identify with these people in tallitot and kippot so strongly? I'm sure it's been a gradual process over the last year and some, but it just hit me all of a sudden that I was no longer feeling an outsider to this, I was viewing this through the inside lens.

It was in that moment of emotional identification and happiness for the joy on the face of Chavi that I realized I have been spending most of the last year operating from my head, not my heart. "Judaism" had become a cerebral exercise, something to conquer, a deadline to meet. I had lost that particular joy that first drew me to temple, that feeling of the awareness of Shabbat, the comfort in the sound of the prayers, the warmth of the shared Kiddush and Oneg Shabbat. I let things get in the way of my attendence at temple, and while I was still observing Shabbat by lighting candles, and saying blessings and kindling the Chanukah lights, it was still not reaching my heart.

Seeing the shared joy of the b'nei mitzvah on Masada, the austere beauty of the land of Israel, and the striking colors of the flag contrasting with earth reminded me of what I am missing. Now that I have felt the brush of that emotion again, perhaps I will be better able to find it in the future. You can be sure I'll be examining the state of my kavanah, my intent, as I go forward in my daily practice. This isn't a class exercise, it's life and connection. Just as with an electrical circuit, I have to be fully plugged in to make the connection work. Here's hoping.

A visit of happiness...

As reported on the Muqata's liveblogging for today (yesterday, Israel time), the Breslovers paid a visit to Israeli soldiers.

If you're unaware of the Breslovers/Breslevers, also known as Na Nachers, here's a small piece of information from the Wikipedia article:

Na Nach Nachma Nachman Meuman (Hebrew: נ נח נחמ נחמן מאומן‎) is a Hebrew language mantra used by some sub-groups of the Breslov group of Hasidic Jews. The complete phrase is Na Nach Nachma Nachman Me'uman. It is a sound poem based on the four Hebrew letters of the name Nachman, referring to the founder of the Breslov movement, Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, along with a reference to his burial place in Uman, Ukraine.

One teaching of the Breslover Rebbe was that it was a mitzvah to be happy always, thus the connection of happiness with the Na Nachers. For me, it's just wonderful to see a show of support on film rather than rockets, bomb shelters, or casualties.

Please keep all involved in your thoughts and prayers.

A beautiful image

Found through this week's Haveil Havalim #200: The Harvey Edition over at Jack's, originally blogged by NY's Funniest Rabbi... an image of hope.

And I'm not the only one...

Just after I published the quick post about my stand on the Matzav below, I did what I've been doing since the first announcement of Israel's Gaza campaign: move through every J-blog I have on favorites, and then click links like a mad woman to get as much info as possible.

How could I have forgotten to link to some of the wonderful bloggers who are making my up-to-dateness possible?

First, Leah shares that she, too, is standing with Israel...admittedly, last Friday well before I made that statement. Amazing how these things come together!

Second, this week's HH was hosted at Ima's blog...appropriately titled "The We Can't Stop Twittering/Blogging/Reading/Worrying/Watching/What's Going On in Israel Right Now Edition.... or....The Stuck To My BlackBerry Like Glue Edition.... "

A huge feature on Haveil Havalim is the blog of Jack, where he has posted myriad roundups and updates on the Gaza offensive...an excellent resource for information. (That's 16 links from "roundups" on...as I said, truly a wealth of information).

With all the blogging going on, of course there are what Jack politely terms "the opposition." Frume Sarah received a trollish comment, but rather than simply deleting she went one better...she answered him/her, point for point.

And my favorite blog, to which I have returned again and again. This woman speaks with poignancy about her son Elie, who serves in the IDF artillery. She calls herself simply, A Soldier's Mother.

Please check all of these links and follow up...Israel is not a terrorist state, she's a state under fire, acting as humanely as possible given the circumstances.

Thank you to all the bloggers who have made this possible, those listed, and those they link. Shalom.

Israel

I have been part of a discussion about the Matzav...the current "situation" in Gaza. In a way, it's very painful. The woman I find myself "facing off" with is a dear friend who has been a wonderful support since I first began thinking of conversion, and who has been of the same mind for many of the political discussions this group of ladies has had over the past few years. I find myself wanting so much to agree with her, but I can't. She has a personal connection with a Palestinian family in a refugee camp in the north, and that fuels her end of the discussion. Since it's very immediate for her, she is very emotional about the situation, and I can feel that as she makes her points.

I can't argue with personal experience, but I know, too, that one person's or one family's experiences do not give a full account. The actions of individuals are not the actions of a country, and while certainly even the country may have made decisions that were poorly thought out and which lead to individual heartache, it does not immediately follow that the current situation is therefore evil and wrong. War is not fair, it is does not take account of persons, and it does lead to death and destruction. That is the nature of war. When a group knowingly instigates a country into self-protection, the people who are led by or who protect and sanction that group can't cry foul because they aren't themselves a part of that group.

As I find myself becoming a part of this family, Bnei Yisrael, I recall the sentiment that "blood is thicker than water." I stand up for Israel, because Israel is us. Hamas and other Islamist groups aren't simply "standing up for their rights." They want to push Israel and her people off the map entirely.

I feel for the Palestinian people who are suffering through this, for those who have been killed, and those who have lost. But my heart is with Israel. With her I will stand.